Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Where Have You Gone, Michelle Bachmann?

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with a subject to write a blog entry about, but there was always one person I could count on to be there for me, and that was Michelle Bachmann. I’ve called Michelle different epithets in my blog: whackjob, wingnut, bat-shit crazy; and they all fit like a warm mitten on a cold winter’s day. But there is another term that fits also: muse. When I needed inspiration she would pop up in a news story making an outlandish statement that I could satirize for a few hundred words and mine for a handful of laughs.

Some of my best blogs were written about Michelle’s ridiculous proclamations, but recently she’s been quiet. Sure, she’s made appearances at Tea Party rallies but she’s just regurgitating the same garbage she’s been talking about for months. She’s not breaking out any new material. It’s like watching Jay Leno every night to hear the same Sarah Palin joke.

Where have you gone Michelle? If you’re not going to unleash the crazy, how can I release the satire from its dark, lonely cave? What happened to my Michelle, the woman who called for a Joseph McCarthyesque investigation into which members of congress were un-American? Where is the Michelle who refused to fill out her census form because she was convinced Obama was going to use the data to put people in internment camps? Where’s my Michelle that blamed the swine flu breakout on Obama because he is a democrat and the last swine flu epidemic also came during a democratic administration? That one combined her lunacy with her complete distaste for fact-checking as it turned out the last swine flu outbreak was actually under a republican president. Where has that ignorant, feeble-minded Michelle gone?

I thought you wanted to be known as the most paranoid, narrow-minded Michelle in America and you’re letting Michelle Malkin win the title without a fight. Maybe you have been saying crazy things the last few months and I’m just not hearing them. Maybe you’re saying them on Fox News which I don’t watch. I tried viewing the morning show once but I was laughing hysterically one minute and throwing up in my mouth the next. I couldn’t take the dichotomy. I tried making a game out of it and counting all the lies they told, but a Cray supercomputer couldn’t keep up with them.

My lament is over now. I’ll continue trolling the news sites and blogs, hoping to hear that Michelle has come to her senses and said something inexplicable like the oil spill in the gulf is Obama’s fault because he has always gotten regular oil changes for his car or that she was abducted by aliens and they tried to brainwash her to vote for healthcare reform.

If Mrs. Bachmann decides to stay silent I will have to find a new muse to help me fill my blog space. But it won’t be the same without my Michelle.

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