Tuesday, December 15, 2015

A Pool of Cruz Oil

Human oil slick Ted Cruz has been oozing his way up the polls, his opponents slipping on the industrial grade grease dripping from his hair. Cruz’s reedy, unctuous voice has also taken its toll on the ears of his fellow politicians, causing a pain not unlike having a peppercorn stuck in your auditory canal.

Cruz is running on a platform of being a terrible human being who is completely untrustworthy. Iowans have recently taken to his utter lack of charm, grace, or competence. Ted Cruz is to republican voters what Donald Trump is to republican voters, only with more unguent.

Ted Cruz thinks it’s funny to tell demeaning jokes at the beginning of his speeches. You may say that I’m doing the same thing with Cruz as the target. True. The difference is I’m nobody, writing words that 11 people will read and he wants to be President of the United States. The office calls for dignity. I can write in my pajamas with cereal dust in my beard and no one will be the wiser.

No one in his own party likes him. More to the point, they loathe him. Cruz calls himself “a Washington outsider” and someone “who sticks to his principals”. Other Republicans call him an “asshole” and someone “with a rod so far up his ass he can taste his own shit”.

Cruz is a climate change denier. He’s done interviews where he presents what he calls “facts”. Leading climate scientists call them “lies”. So he lies to push his own pre-conceived agenda and gain votes from like-minded non-thinkers. Does that sound like a Washington outsider? No, it sounds like every politician.

Be careful where you walk, you might step in a pool of Cruz oil.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Lindsey Can't Win

Did you know that Lindsey Graham is still running for the Republican nomination for president?

Even though others like Bobby Jindal and Lincoln Chaffee have seen the gigantic writing on the Brobdingnagian wall and dropped out of the race, Lindsey soldiers on. His supporters say he is a fighter.

Others use the word “delusional”.

There are days when his polling statistics are so low he doesn’t register as existing. The pundits need to use Newtonian calculus to create an imaginary number for him. On these days Lindsey begins to fade away like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future. Lindsey is polling around 2% on average. To put that in perspective I have a pair of Reebok running shoes that are polling at 3.5%. Doing really well with pipe fitters and longshoremen.

TV news programs regularly interview Donald Trump and Ben Carson, even climbing down into a hole to speak to talking stalagmite Ted Cruz. They don’t speak to Lindsey. They don’t show Lindsey’s latest campaign stop, his speeches, or his photo ops. They don’t take his calls, read his texts or sign for his registered letters. Like frustrated but patient parents who are trying to teach their child a lesson, the networks don’t pay attention to Lindsey when he’s jumping up and down behind them holding a sign reading: “I’m Lindsey Graham and I’m running for President. Can I get a Hell Yeah?!”

Lindsey likes to start sentences with “When I’m President . . .” or “The first thing I’ll do when I’m President . . .” Oh Lindsey. That’s never going to happen. There are 117 Republican candidates and only 3 of them have caught at least 10% of the public’s interest. The rest of you are a bouillabaisse of ennui, bad ideas and cheap suits.

Find a hobby Mr. Graham. Do crossword puzzles, take a spin class, find a buddy to get drunk with on cheap bourbon and pickled eggs. Just stop running for president because you can’t win.