Monday, July 23, 2012

May I Help You?

I would not want to be a salesman because even when they’re just doing their job, they can be very annoying. I took my mom to a store over the weekend and while she looked around I wandered over into the men’s clothing section. To say it was slightly devoid of customers would be to say I mildly question Michelle Bachmann’s sanity.

As I looked over a display of Van Heusen polo shirts a salesman snuck up on me like cocaine found Charlie Sheen.

“May I help you sir?” he asked politely. “Just looking around” I responded. His face kind of squished up as if he had eaten some bad curried goat and it was re-entering his esophagus. I thought I heard him mutter “Great, another just looking asshole. No commission today. Looks like I’ll be eating the mold off my shower curtain for supper again tonight.” He took out a mascara brush and painted a smile back on his face.

“We also have shirts on sale by Chaps, Polo, Izod, Nautica, Aeropostale, Hilfiger, Calvin Klein, Artie Feinstein, Jesus the Divine, Sing Sang,Wing Wang, Skip-to-my-loo, Blah Blah Bloo Bloo and on and on and on.”

“Uh, thanks, I guess,” I said, a little weary of the man at this point.

The salesman started following me around throwing rose petals at my feet. He pulled out an oboe at one point to play a Beethoven concerto while I pondered my purchase and was quite good. I wept during the second movement.

I decided on two shirts, paid, and was met with thunderous applause from his meaty hands. “Thank you, kind sir. This is the greatest gift I have received since my father brought me my Xanax from Canada. You are a prince, sir! If anyone ever condescends to you I will wound them with the sharpness of my words. If you are attacked physically I will hire a brute to defend you. If you hunger I will plant for you a field of wheat, if you are cold I will quilt you a blanket constructed of scenes of our newly formed friendship.”

“All right!” I finally yelled, a bit too loudly. “Thank you. I’m going to wander over to sporting goods now.”

The salesman clapped his hands together 3 times. Four burly men carrying a bamboo sledge ran out from a back room. I was lifted onto the sled and carried to the sporting goods department while the salesman sang a madrigal in harmony with a perfume girl. I was taken from the sled and laid on a bed of goose down. The salesman bowed with an exaggerated flourish finally walking away. As he did I heard him say to the perfume girl, “The jerk bought 2 shirts, both on sale. My take is $1.50. Looks like unsalted crackers for lunch.”

I don’t think I’ll go shopping for a while.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Not Quite the 1%

I’ll be retiring soon, just wanted to let everyone know. I’m coming into quite a tidy sum of money so it’s time to move to the beach and look for change with a metal detector before napping the afternoon away.

Myself, my sister and one of my brothers run a store on CafĂ© Press called Yoe Creek Designs. Here’s a link:
Go there now and buy something. I’ll wait.

We received a check last week. Unknown to us we were part of a class action lawsuit. Someone sued Google, won a settlement and we get a cut. It had something to do with Google’s Ad Words advertising program which we’ve used in the past. Yes sir, right there it was in the mail. A fat, juicy check for . . . $0.65. Split three ways I am now the proud possessor of 21.6 cents. Suck on that Google.

It feels good to stick it to the man. Even though technically I didn’t do anything or even know it was happening, it still feels good to be on the winning team. I love the smell of litigation in the morning.

Not sure if I should put it all in a money market account or just invest part of it. I could buy that stick of gum I’ve always wanted or an ounce and half of Coca Cola. I could always go the real estate route. Maybe put a down payment on a Bic pen that I will later use to fill out a loan application. So many decisions to make now. Having money can be a burden.

Monday, July 9, 2012

James Spader Won't Return My Calls

I am making a motion to the world at large that there cannot be two different movies of the same name. The fact that we currently allow this to happen has cost me $4.46. Here is my sad story.

I was listening to an old episode of the radio show Hearts of Space. If you’re not familiar with it, it is a weekly hour long show that plays ambient music. Each show has a theme and a mellow-voiced DJ. If you’re not careful the sound of Steven Hill’s voice will put you to sleep before the music does.

There is a show from a few years back that showcases music from movie soundtracks. They played several tracks from the movie “Crash”. That would be the “Crash” that won the best picture Oscar and starred people like Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillipe, Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock and many others. Seriously, there were like 356 people in that movie. The opening credits took 47 minutes just to list their names.

I liked what I heard so I decided to buy the soundtrack. Now when I say “buy” I don’t mean I will saunter down to my local music store to hand over a crisp $20 bill and walk out with a square plastic case with a shiny new CD inside. I mean that I will log on to a web site that originates from a country not named the United States and I will purchase mp3s for a small amount.

So I go to the web site and search for “Crash”. A bunch of things come up but none are the movie soundtrack. Next I went to Amazon to look for a used copy. I again searched “Crash” and viola; there it was, used for $1.35. With shipping my total was $4.46.  A few days later my CD arrives. I’m looking at the still pictures from the movie on the inserts and I think “these people weren’t in Crash”. Yes, I had bought the wrong soundtrack. Apparently there is another movie titled “Crash” from 1996 starring James Spader and Holly Hunter.

Now I’m in a huff. The inside of a huff is dark and hot with the music of Gary Lewis and the Playboys spinning nonstop which just leaves you confused. I go back to Amazon to find the correct “Crash” soundtrack and they have it, but even used its $13 and I don’t have that much for a CD right now, but I do find out the name of the composer. So I go back to my shall-remain-nameless web site and search under his name and what do I find? The “Crash” soundtrack I had searched for a week ago and couldn’t find. Crap.

I wonder if James Spader would refund my $4.46?

Friday, July 6, 2012

No More Mr. Nice Guy

The office I work in is designed in what is called a “cubicle farm”. Five foot tall portable walls surround everyone’s desks to give you the illusion of privacy. In fact the walls do virtually nothing to block sound and you end up being able to hear almost every word everyone else says within about a 30 yard radius. All this means it is hard to concentrate on your work and that you hear a lot of personal information you didn’t want to. The other day it meant getting to hear a manager have a melt down over the phone. To say she got a “little” loud is like saying yogurt is a “little” disgusting. This isn’t an exact transcript but you get the idea. The names have been changed to protect the innocent:

Martha: No Linda . . . Linda, no . . . no, no, no . . . I’m telling you Linda . . . no, you set it up correctly. SHE did it wrong. SHERRY did it wrong! You did it correctly. Don’t . . . DON’T follow what SHERRY did! DON’T. SHE SET IT UP WRONG! I don’t know . . . I’ve told her over and over . . . NO! You did it right. YOU DID IT RIGHT! YOU DID IT RIGHT! SHE was wrong. I’ve told her . . . yes, you are set up correctly. Don’t let anyone . . . ANYONE . . . set it up like SHERRY. SHE DID IT WRONG! Linda, I’m telling you, you did it right, SHERRY did it wrong. Listen to me . . . LISTEN TO ME . . . you have it right, don’t follow SHERRY. SHE DID IT WRONG!

This went on for an uncomfortably long time. Of course the rest of the afternoon my co-workers and I talked like this to each other and decided wouldn’t it be nice to turn off the “business politeness” filter every now and then:

Me: You did what? That is NOT what I told you to do in my email. I told you to log off first. A monkey could follow that instruction. Should we replace you with a monkey? I AM SICK of you people not being able to read a SIMPLE instruction! I swear I am going to come to your office and find you so I can PLUCK out your EYEBALLS one at a time. Maybe when you read my instructions in BRAILLE you’ll FOLLOW THEM!

Welcome to the new “business casual speak”. Do it right or suffer the consequences.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Mitch McConnell Hates You

The Fix-Is-In News interviewed Mitch “Huckleberry” McConnell about the Affordable Health Care Act and Mitch earned his stripes yet again as one of the world’s leading douche bags. When asked how the republicans would provide health care coverage to approximately 30 million Americans if they repeal the act, McConnell said “that is not the issue”. I think there are a few people who would disagree with that statement.

Mitch McConnell: 30 million uninsured Americans is not the issue.
30 Million Uninsured Americans: Yeah, to us it kind of is the issue.
Mitch McConnell: But I’m not you. I’m white, rich and powerful.
30 Million Uninsured Americans: How are we supposed to afford medicine when our children are sick?
Mitch McConnell: All I know is that I get my Viagra for free. I mean, the wife won’t touch my gray, decrepit body but it’s still nice to feel the general salute once in a while.
30 Million Uninsured Americans: Eww. What does that have to do with the people you propose to represent not being able to afford to go to a doctor?
Mitch McConnell: Good God people I’m a republican politician. How many ways can I say I don’t care?
30 Million Uninsured Americans: We want to go to the doctor too!
Mitch McConnell:  And I want my face to stop sliding down my skull like Droopy Dog but it ain’t gonna happen.
30 Million Uninsured Americans: Why are you such a dick?
Mitch McConnell: *sigh*  Rich, white, powerful, republican: I’ve been over all this already. Work with me people.
30 Million Uninsured Americans:  You were quoted as saying America already has the best health care system in the world. 30 million uninsured, people traveling over the border into Canada and Mexico to buy drugs they can’t afford to buy here, people going to other countries to get operations they can’t pay for here: How can you say our system is the best?
Mitch McConnell: Every senator and congressman and their families covered for life for free. I’m good.
30 Million Uninsured Americans: The Affordable care act will prohibit insurance companies from excluding people with pre-existing conditions. Your answer is that the states can handle these people, but only 35 states have a program like this in place. What about Americans living in the other 15 states?
Mitch McConnell: Sucks to be them.
30 Million Uninsured Americans: The states that do have these programs have high premiums, long waiting periods and won’t cover all procedures. How does this help anyone?
Mitch McConnell: I’m not here to help. I exist only to coast through life on the backs of people like you who didn’t think ahead and become a senator in a country whose political system is the only machine more screwed up than its health care system.
30 Million Uninsured Americans: You suck.
Mitch McConnell: Boo hoo. I’m gonna go take a dump and use a copy of that Supreme Court decision to wipe my boney ass.