Monday, September 28, 2009

Politics in America: A One Act Play

Cast of Characters:

Joe Miller: 44, used to have a programming job for a mid-sized software company. His job went to China, now he works at Starbucks

Scene: Joe’s kitchen. He enters and turns on a small TV to listen to the news while eating breakfast

CNN Headline News: A bill has been introduced in the House as a way to say thank you to the American people for their support during these trying times. The bill calls for the government to bake a cake for every citizen. It’s called Have Your Cake and Eat it Too, bill HR 50766, written and sponsored by several democrats. The bill is 15,612 pages long of which 15,611 pages have nothing to do with cakes, no one has read them and they are meaningless. If you want to read the entire bill you can find it at
The response from the Republicans has been swift.
Rush Limbaugh: This is a blatant attempt to sabotage the health of the American people. I myself have recently lost over 1000 pounds and I don’t want anything to do with this liberal confection.
Mitch McConnell: Why a cake? What if you like pie? I’d prefer to have a nice elderberry pie. The democrats say they want to say ‘thank you’ yet they’re limiting our choices to cake. What if someone wants a cruller or a torte or pudding or Jello? This is just another example of the Democrats limited thinking.
John Boehner: There is a provision in this bill that if you don’t have the paper work filled out by December 31 someone in the government will choose what kind of cake you get. What if they choose a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing and you have a peanut allergy? This amounts to nothing more than a death panel where someone in the government could make a choice for you that could be deadly.
CNN Headline News: We asked the white house for a response.
Whitehouse Spokesman Robert Gibbs: This is just another republican lie, a continuous stream of invective to cause fear. There is no provision for a deadline and no one in the government is going to pick your cake for you. In fact you don’t have to participate in the program. If you don’t want a cake, don’t fill out the paperwork.
CNN Headline News: There was a Tea Party protest today in Blacksburg West Virginia. We asked one gentleman what he thought of the bill.
Tea bagger: This bill says that I have to have a government made cake! I don’t want a government cake! If I want a cake I want one made by my grandmamma! What’s happened to our freedoms?
CNN Headline News: Whitehouse spokesman Robert Gibbs had this to say when seeing that footage: “Again, for the 105th time, there is no provision in the bill that forces anyone to take one of the cakes.” Also today, the president addressed the press.
President Obama: We would like to have bi-partisan support for this bill. To that end, we are willing to compromise and possibly add an option for a fruit cup or a side salad.
CNN Headline news: We talked to the head of the ACLU this morning and got this message.
ACLU spokesman: If there’s not going to be a cake then there is no point in the bill. The whole point was to say thank you to the American people. You don’t say thank you with a fruit cup or a salad. You say it with a big chunk of moist cake and sugary icing.
CNN Headline News: Of course the late night comedians had their say last night.
David Letterman: In response to this democratic bill, David Vitters from Louisiana has introduced his own competing bill that calls for hookers and Chevrolets for everyone.
CNN Headline News: Before we take a break, here is a roundup of other comments and reactions.
Nancy Pelosi: Since my leadership is so polarizing and ineffectual, I have no comment.
Michele Bachmann: I’m insane!
Michael Steele: I have to find out from Rush how I feel about this bill. I’ll get back to you.
Harry Reid: My opinion is, hey, where are you going? I have something to say.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, am I in this administration?

Glenn Beck: One word: Conspiracy
Bill Clinton: Would I like a piece of cake? Absolutely. Served on the ass of a 19-year-old co-ed preferably. This is off the record right?

Joe turns off the TV.

Joe Miller: Same shit, different day.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Award Shows Suck

Now that 30 Rock has won the Emmy for best comedy for the 35th year in a row, is the show going to be funny this season? I know Hollywood and the entertainment media are so far up Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin’s asses they do regular dental cleanings while they’re there and I like Tina Fey, but I’ve tried watching 30 Rock and it’s just not that funny. In fact I don’t know anyone whose opinion isn’t “meh” concerning this show. Are we giving the award to 30 Rock merely because Fey did a killer impression of Sarah Palin?

How many more years will it be before the voters actually watch the nominees before casting their vote? How many years in a row did Tony Shaloub win for Monk, 17 . . . 18? And Kelsey Grammar started winning for Frasier in the early 50s, 40 years before the show went on the air. Again, I like Shaloub, Grammar and their shows but the Emmy voters are like a bulldog with a bone, once they get their teeth into a show or an actor they won’t let go. The Shield was one of the best dramas ever made for television and it never won the Emmy for such. Watch the last 2 seasons and tell me Walton Goggins as Detective Shane Vendrell wasn’t the best actor on TV and he didn’t even get a nomination. Hell, Michael Chiklis deserved an Emmy just for the scene where he confessed all of Vic Mackey’s sins to the ICE agent and I don’t believe he was nominated either.

Of course, all awards shows are like this. I don’t think the voters actually watch or listen to any of the nominees, preferring instead to divine their picks by reading chicken entrails. Do you remember 1988, the first year they gave out a Grammy for Heavy Metal and they awarded it to Jethro Tull, a band as far from metal as Elton John is from subtlety? Note to voters, metal bands do not have fey British guys playing the flute on one leg.

How about the Oscars from 2006: The Departed for best picture? Martin Scorsese’s 115th mob movie with Jack Nicholson playing himself, that’s the best we could do? Or 1998 with Saving Private Ryan, one of the most amazing movies ever made, but Shakespeare in Love gets the Oscar. Spielberg films the invasion of Normandy so vividly veterans who were on the beaches for real are brought to tears, but we’re going to give the award to Gwyneth Paltrow in a beard. Now I love Dame Judi Dench, especially in the British TV series As Time Goes By, but she gets an Oscar for 8 minutes of screen time? I fully expected her acceptance speech to be “Are you shitting me?”

All this brings me to one conclusion: award shows suck.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Great Interrupter

The Great Interrupter
for Kanye West
sung to the tune of The Great Pretender

Oh yes, I’m the great interrupter
Interrupting because I’m a douche
My need is immense
I interrupt because I’m dense
I’m a narcissist on the loose

Oh yes, I’m the great interrupter
alone in a world of me, myself, and I
I play the game with no shame
dreaming of myself is the only time I cry

Too real is this feeling of how great I am
Too real when I must be the center of attention at all times

Oh yes, I’m the great interrupter
just braying and hee-hawing like a jackass
I’m in love with my reflection
In front of a mirror I must pass

Too real when I know I am all things to everyone

Oh yes, I’m the great interrupter
Just preening and posing like a wanker
Don’t fear, I’ll never go away
I’ll keep popping up like a canker
Interrupting you . . .
Interrupting you because I’m Kanye

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Glenn Beck: The Czar of Conspiracy

Do you remember the movie Conspiracy Theory where Mel Gibson played a mentally unstable man whose life was consumed by paranoid delusions? For Glenn Beck this mediocre film was a watershed moment. It apparently gave his life direction and induced a psychotic break in Glenn’s feeble mind.

Glenn met more dullards like himself and convinced them to give him first a radio show and then a TV show on Headline News. Finally, he got called up to the show: the decepticons of Fox news gave him an hour a night and lots of publicity. Glenn’s mental breakdown has now reached Michele Bachmann-like proportions.

Last week on his show he was deciphering some artwork at 30 Rockefeller Center that he believes contains communist imagery. Now it’s hard to say what Glenn’s point was because after he rambled, spit and stalked his set like a bloated Yeti, he said, “What does this all mean? I don’t know.” So, since Glenn himself isn’t helping us I will speculate that he’s saying he believes John Rockefeller, who commissioned the artwork, was a commie pinko rat who wanted to bring about the downfall of America by subversively hiding communist symbols in plain sight.

One problem with this evil scheme that Glenn fails to recognize as his brain unravels like yarn from a spool: no one looks at this artwork. Case in point, Glenn asks one of his behind-the-scenes people if they had ever seen these images. The man answers he’s worked at 30 Rock for 29 years and had never seen it.

Call me cynical, but it’s hard to warp people’s minds with meaningful symbols if they never look at them. John Rockefeller was smart and savvy enough to amass one of the world’s largest fortunes, but couldn’t come up with a better plan to seduce people to the dark side than cryptic symbology that not even Dan Brown ever noticed?

Clearly, Glenn has gone bye bye. Farewell, Glenn’s sanity, we hardly knew ye.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Conservative Michelles: Bringing the Crazy

Michele Bachmann: Congresswoman from Minnesota

Michele is on record that she is trying to stop health care reform through prayer and fasting. I say the way to stop Michele Bachmann is with a 2 by 4. Thank you everybody, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.

Seriously, while I also believe in prayer and fasting, the God that I worship would not want these powerful gifts to be used to defeat something that could potentially benefit millions of people. Recently Michele made another bold statement that the Democrats will do anything to keep women like her and Sarah Palin from becoming president before a Democratic woman holds the office.

You devil Michele, you uncovered our nefarious plan: to have any democratic woman become president before an ignorant, narrow-minded attention whore. The plan was revealed in a scroll, once thought to be apocryphal, but eventually discovered in a hidden chamber on the Kennedy compound (along with a kick-ass recipe for cock-a-leekie soup). Written in a cipher where the numbers 1-37 represent the vowels of the alphabet and a variety of coniferous trees stand in for the consonants, the message was translated as:

When a dark haired woman comes from the north, the acid of lies and ignorance dripping from her tongue, the world must marshal their forces to stop her from being elected as leader of the United States. If a woman from the Democratic Party can be elected first it will dilute her power and she will fade to black. If she is elected first, it means the gene pool of the United States has been drained and we are now no better than amoeba.

Michelle Malkin: Bat-shit crazy columnist and TV pundit

Michelle Malkin is a gainsayer. Whatever President Obama says, Michelle says the opposite. She doesn’t think, she just screeches like her hair is on fire. If Obama declared Michelle the greatest person in the world, she would deny it. Here is what I think her column the next day would read like:

In his latest bit of liberal propaganda, President Obama has declared me the greatest person in the world. This is a transparent attempt to make me look like a sane, rational human being. The Democrats will stop at nothing to make people believe that conservatives like myself, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck aren’t lying, egomaniacal mouth-breathers. This isn’t a dictatorship Mr. President. You can’t decide who is open-minded or well-balanced and then declare it to the world as if it were fact. My loyal readers know how deep my psychosis runs and that my vile, uneducated rants against conspiracies that don’t exist preclude me from being branded the greatest person in the world. Nice try President Obama.