Monday, May 24, 2010

Rand Paul: Man of the People (If You're White)

Rand Paul, the Tea Party candidate who won the Kentucky republican primary, went on Rachel Maddow’s show last week and said he did not support the 1964 Civil Rights Act in its entirety. He believes it should be ok for business owners to discriminate against serving people they don’t want to serve for whatever reason. He backed up this belief by having his victory celebration at a private, restricted country club. Taking heat for his views, Rand did what any good politician does and blamed someone else by saying, “I never should have gone on with Rachel Maddow.” This brings me to my advice for Rand Paul:

1. Never go on TV with a host who is smarter than you. This will limit you to Access Hollywood and some local morning talk shows but keeping you out of the public eye and your mouth shut is essential.

2. You already have 2 strikes against you. One, you’re a member of the Tea Party whose goals seem to be carrying loaded firearms everywhere they go to make up for their lack of manhood and not having Barack Obama as president. Two, you ran as a republican, a party whose mission statement is “as long as things are good for wealthy, old white guys, the rest of the country can suck it. Oh, and we don’t want Barack Obama as president.”

Now some people would consider your muffin-top hair cut as strike 3 but I’m willing to overlook it. I think you have to be more cautious. Keep your more controversial thoughts to yourself instead of blabbing them to a liberal talk show host 24 hours after winning a primary. Wait until you’re actually in office before you implode.

3. You told President Obama to stop blaming BP for the oil spill. This is an unpopular sentiment so you need to blunt its effects. Go with the old stand-by that your quote was taken out of context and follow with “what I was saying was don’t blame BP for this oil spill, blame them for all oil spills worldwide. Retroactively I feel they are to blame for the Exxon Valdez and any spills that may occur in the future.”

You’ll notice that all of my advice is predicated on the fact that you are a very stupid man and the less you speak the better. When you decide you need to talk try not to sound like a dope and for Pete’s sake, don’t go on with Rachel Maddow anymore. Try the morning chimpanzees on Fox News. I don’t think even you could screw that interview up.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, it certainly didn't take this politician long to be in it up to his neck, did it? I'm thinking that those whose job it is to "handle" politicians should invest in some good, strong muzzles at least until the guys are actually elected but probably a lot longer.