Monday, January 20, 2014

Danger in the Toothpaste Aisle

I was buying toothpaste the other day at the grocery store and was marveling at how many different types they have now. Cavity protection, triple protection, whitening formula, super whitening formula, Whiter Shade of Pale whitening formula, sensitive, sensitive plus whitening, sensitive plus whitening plus cavity protection plus will do the housework while you sleep, overly sensitive formula, Alan Alda sensitive formula.

Then I noticed one labeled Pro-Health formula and that made me wonder if there was an Anti-Health formula as well. What would the anti-health formula be; a tube of hot road tar that simultaneously turns your teeth black and causes third degree burns on your gums?

Doctor: What happened?
Patient: I dused da anthi helt formla of Cwest toodpast.
Doctor: That was a stupid thing to do.
Patient: Ted mee abut id
Doctor: You do have fresh breath though. Like a freshly paved road in the summertime.
Patient: Dank yu

What would happen if the pro-health and anti-health formulas came into contact with each other? Would they cause an explosion like matter and anti-matter on Star Trek?

Kirk: Open the tubes of pro-health and anti-health at the same time!
Scottie: Captain! I canna let you do that. If those pastes mix you’ll blow up the ship.
Kirk: Scottie . . . I’m responsible . . . for the lives of 419 . . . people. We have to take better care of . . . our teeth. Bones, explain it to him.
Bones: Damn it Jim I’m a doctor not an oral surgeon.
Kirk: We have plaque and cavities. So many . . . cavities. Uhuru needs a root canal. Spock, help me.
Spock: I’m sorry Captain. On Vulcan our cleanliness rituals are ear-centric. We do not brush our teeth.
Kirk: Somebody obey my order . . . and . . . open those tubes!

I couldn’t find a tube of the anti-health formula although I’m sure it was there, lurking, waiting to pounce. I think I’ll stay out of the toothpaste aisle for a few weeks.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Water Torture

I’ve been drinking a lot of water recently; half a metric ton every day. I’m noticing some changes in my body too. It all started when the wooden pole grew out of the top of my skull. It was about twenty feet high with cables and pulleys attached. Already struggling to get into the building at work every day, it didn’t help when a large triangle of cloth unfurled from the top of the pole, falling down in front of me so I couldn’t see a thing. I crashed into a homeless man named Itchy Pete that morning. I tried to help untangle him from the cloth but my hands wouldn’t work. When I looked down I saw they had become oars.

I’m turning into a boat.

Drink lots of water they said. You need it to be healthy they said. Your skin will be more vibrant, your kidneys will thank you, and everything will come up puppies and rainbows they said.

This morning I sprouted a rudder from a very uncomfortable place.

I realize that drinking water is healthy. I understand that for a long time I didn’t drink enough. I’m cognizant of the fact that human bodies are 75% water and that 75% of the Earth is covered by water and that life first formed in water and in fact life wouldn’t have formed without water. All salient points. However . . .

My torso has just evolved into a deck.

Is this still healthy? I’m drinking the water but can’t walk, only float. People at work are noticing the pool of water in my cubicle. Also, I saw something in it yesterday. Something big. With tentacles. How healthy do I really need to be? Maybe I could be half healthy, half fat and happy: A hybrid like something out of Greek mythology. I could be “fealthy” or “hat and fappy”.

Oh great.

I’ve just been boarded by pirates.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Forest for the Trees

I’m turning over a new leaf today. The old one has changed to strange colors, a mixture of the entire rainbow after being dragged through Penn Jillette’s colon. The leaf has also gotten too veiny. It looks like a bus route map of Passaic New Jersey and the veins are protruding from the flesh like the Loch Ness monster posing for photos. The old leaf is dead. God save the new leaf.

The new leaf, his name is Jerry, is shiny and sleek. A vibrant green, Jerry is ready for action. Whether it’s leading a sales meeting, throwing a dinner party or rescuing a dog named Poochie from a barn fire, Jerry is there. Jerry will give you a high five after you hit the winning shot in a Tuesday evening rec league basketball game or offer admonishment when you take five pennies from the “take a penny” plate at the gas station.

Jerry is a leaf’s leaf. He is the alpha leaf, top leaf, the big leaf in the forest. Jerry is the kind of leaf trees dream about when they’re still saplings. Other leaves are jealous of Jerry. Other leaves call him names like “Leafy O’Toole” and “Mugs Maple”, but it all rolls like water off of Jerry’s shiny back.

I’m turning over a new leaf today. Yep, it’s Jerry and me against the world. Jerry says hi.