Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Beckster and the Bachmanninator

This fall on Fox it’s the new hit comedy Beckster and the Bachmanninator. Watch as a U.S. Congresswoman and a right wing radio/TV host share an apartment, trade paranoid delusions and deal with the liberals across the hall.

In the pilot episode, Michelle gets added to some important lists and Glenn contradicts himself faster than any man in history. Let’s watch:

Theme Song:

It’s Glenn
and his pal Michelle
They’re crazy
but they can’t tell

She calls him Beckster
he calls her the Bachmanninator
They’re paranoid

Opening: Michelle Bachmann sits at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

Michelle: It says here that the National Republican Congressional Committee added me to a list of the most vulnerable incumbents in 2010. I’ve been added to a lot of lists lately. I’m on that waiting list for the new experimental anti-psychotic drug, I’m number one in frequent flier miles on Crazytown Airlines, and I’ve just been added to the advisory board for the support group Making Paranoia Work For You. Oh yes, last night I joined that new Facebook group Republicans Against Fact Checking and of course there are my duties as treasurer for the Joseph McCarthy Fan Club.
Michelle looks at her watch.
I forgot, Glenn is on Fox and Friends this morning. I wonder how it’s going.
Michelle turns on the TV.

Glenn: President Obama has over and over again exposed himself as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.

Fox host Brian Kilmeade: Many people that work in Obama’s administration are white so you can’t say he doesn’t like white people.

Glenn: “I’m not saying he doesn’t like white people.

Music: Mwapp Mwapp Mwapp Mwaaaaaa

Michelle: Oh no, he did it again. That's my Glenn!
Cue laugh track and applause.

Join us next week when Al Franken and Michael Moore move in downstairs and object to Michelle and Glenn constantly blowing their own horns. Goodnight everybody!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Odds 'n Ends

Liz Cheney

“I very well may run for office”
Who cares? Run for office, take a shit, clip your nails, eat a turnip, who gives a rat’s ass? Just stop talking you narcissistic twit.

Pat Buchanan on “Morning Joe”

“Well, first, with regard to Levi, I think first dude up there in Alaska, Todd Palin ought to take Levi down to the creek and hold his head under water until the thrashing stops.”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh Pat, joking about murdering a young man, and everyone on the panel laughs right along. Drowning someone is hilarious! I know whenever my lungs fill up with water I can’t stop guffawing. Oh, one thing Pat, you rake, weren’t you one of those self-righteous gas bags who were outraged when David Letterman made a joke about Sarah Palin’s daughter? Yeah, same old Pat Buchanan: Hypocritical shithead until the bitter end.

Jon and Kate Gosselin

America held hostage Day 72
I still don’t care.

Glenn Beck

Glenn complained of the soft questions tossed at Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor on day 1 of her confirmation hearing. One problem, day 1 has no questions, only opening statements.
It’s analogy time!
Glenn Beck is to insanity
incapable of cogent thought is to Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck is to Too Many Monkeys in the Monkey House
The voices in his head is to In Control

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Train for Crazytown is Leaving the Station . . . All Abooooard!

Victoria Jackson, an untalented, unfunny comedienne from some of the “black hole” years of SNL announced today that she’s moving from How-the-Hell-Did-I-End-Up-On-TV-burg to Crazytown. Yes, Victoria has sold her home on Notalent Boulevard and bought a townhouse next to Michelle Bachmann on the corner of Not-Wrapped-Too-Tight Lane and ParanoiaComin’ForYa Avenue. Miss Jackson announced her move into the medicated neighborhood with this unintelligible rant on her website (who gave her a website?). Her words are bolded, my comments are italicized:

You see, evil doesn't just show up. It disguises itself as something nice; so you'll let it in. It tricks you. [...] Crazy doesn’t just show up. It gussies itself up as a blond woman, goes on TV for a while, hides out in well deserved obscurity and then one day leaps out at you screaming about Hitler and selling her cat’s hairballs as “folk art”.

Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it. Socialized medicine makes people die. Look out! Socialized medicine has a knife! It’s crazy! Oh my God, now it’s causing cancer by offering affordable prescription drugs! You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, Do you know a lot of people with pencils sticking out of their eye? I must admit to being ignorant of this plague of No. 2’s being stuck into the old optic nerve. My bad. and someone like the DMV person, who can't speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude [sic], really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare! Considering we’ve never had socialized medicine in the United States, this seems like speculation on your part. Indulge me my speculation for a moment: your show business career is sort of like a UFO sighting. It came out of nowhere, no one could explain it, we all felt violated by your presence and then it was gone.

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas! I know it’s been a long time since I took Civics class in high school, but I don’t remember the part of the constitution that gives the president the power to kill Nanna, Memaw, Grandma, Granny, Oma, and Grandmama.

Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn't like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where's the public debate between scientists on "Climate Change/Global Warming?") I’ve read numerous debates on the subject. Books are published about it on a regular basis. You really ought to pick up a newspaper or magazine occasionally between going off your meds. Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O's nationalized car be? State car? Hell, the car companies will probably be dead within the year. The state car will be our legs because with gas prices rising for no reason we won’t be able to afford to drive anywhere even if we had a car. So... kill off the weak. That's the plan. Tax the workers to death. This old GOP chestnut won’t work anymore whackjob. Obama just passed the largest middle class tax cut in history. Erase the middle class. Sounds like the evil governments we studied in high school long ago. The evil governments were : kings, oligarchies, facist [sic], socialist, and communist. Evil kings kept all the money they collected Victwittia. Obama has given away around $800 billion to prop up failing businesses to keep millions more from losing their jobs. I’m not saying it was the right thing to do or if it will work, I’m just saying medieval kings and fascist dictators kept all the money for themselves. Now it's called the Obama Administration. Sounds like candy or a rock band. WTF?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

The Women of the GOP: Insane in the Membrane

Missouri state Representative Cynthia Davis

In a press release the Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services spoke about a summer food program which provides “food during the summer for thousands of low-income Missouri children who rely on the school cafeteria for free or reduced-price meals during the regular school year.” What is Davis’ take on this program?

Churches and other non-profits can do this at no cost to the taxpayer if it is warranted . . . Anyone under 18 can be eligible? Can’t they get a job during the summer by the time they are 16? Hunger can be a positive motivator.

You know what else is a positive motivator? The sense that someone cares about you, positive role models who show these children that their lives can get better. I also believe children should be allowed to be children as long as possible before we let the world crush them. These Missouri youngsters will have a more enjoyable summer vacation if their bodies aren’t wracked by hunger pangs. Jimmy’s dreams of one day playing baseball for the St. Louis Cardinals will be all the sweeter if his teeth aren’t falling out because of a vitamin C deficiency, while his sister Janey’s paranoid delusions from a lack of vitamin B-12 could be kept to a minimum while she practices backyard gymnastics.

Soon-to-be-Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

10 things we know about Sarah Palin:

1. she’s stupid
2. she’s narcissistic
3. she’s not too bright
4. she loves attention
5. she’s not the smartest moose in the woods
6. Sarah loves her some Sarah
7. she’s living in the governor’s mansion but the lights aren’t on and the door is unlocked
8. she will exploit anyone including her own children if it gains her something
9. man is she stupid
10. she wants to be president of the United States and if the citizens of this country ever elect her to that post we will officially be the country with the dumbest population on Earth

Michelle Bachmann

Michelle Bachmann is paranoid.

How paranoid is she?

Her ideas are even too far out there for Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck! The man who agreed with one of his guests that the only hope to save America is for it to be attacked by terrorists again! The man who openly wishes for the deaths of Americans, backs away from Michelle Bachmann, wipes his hands and says “I’m out.”

Michelle’s latest missive from Bedlam is that she won’t fill out the 2010 census form because she believes that President Obama has nefarious plans for the information collected. Her reasoning? Roosevelt used the census information during World War II to put Japanese citizens into internment camps.

While the government has already admitted its mistake during the war and apologized to the Japanese-Americans who were imprisoned, I believe we must revive this program. We only need one camp, actually just a building, large enough to house Michelle Bachmann. We’ll call it Camp Conspiracy and erect it in Missouri so the low cost school lunch program can feed her and Sarah Palin can stop by occasionally for a photo op and to exploit her family.