Thursday, June 6, 2013

Bodily Functions

I’ve been eating healthier the past few months, a lot more fruit and vegetables. My body has noticed and is none too happy. When I woke up a few days ago I found this note duct taped to my forehead:

Dear Traitor,

What the hell? We, your body parts, have noticed some changes recently that we were not consulted on. The pancreas has outlined our complaints which we will discuss one at a time.

What happened to the pizza? Pizza, of all flavors and varieties from Roma’s Pizzeria to generic store $.99 cardboard-and-ketchup, has been a staple of our diet for decades. Now it can go 7 or even up to 10 days without a single slice. This is unacceptable. We demand that pizza be brought back as a 3-time-a-week food pyramid building block of our diet. The cheese alone was holding the body together like a sturdy mortar. Now there’s too much room in the veins. The blood is sloshing all over the place. It’s a complete mess.

Where are the chocolate chip cookies? Oh sure, sometimes on the weekend when you reward yourself we get to delight in the sugary goodness of the most amazing food ever invented. But what about the rest of the week? We used to feel the jittery high of cookies several times a week. Sometimes every day! We need that feeling back man! The heart is constantly sending search parties out for any milligram of sugar. When he doesn’t get it, he gets angry and abusive to the other organs. How many times do the lungs have to be slapped? How often does the liver have to be told it’s worthless and should just pack a bag to move to Montana? When does it stop?

Two words: Coke and Pepsi Look, we understand that drinking Coke and Pepsi is the equivalent of slurping battery acid through a crazy straw but you made that choice for years. Day after day we absorbed the chemical cocktail known as cola and did we complain? Ok, the kidneys sent a stone through every few years for a while which could be viewed as a complaint. Sure, the heart sometimes thought it was the drummer of a thrash metal band. But for the most part we went along. Now you cut down your consumption to just a day on the weekend? What are we supposed to do? We need the stuff man! Where’s out shit, our stash, fix, medicine, juice, liquid happiness, black gold, Atlanta buzz water, Grandpappy’s magic elixir, that which is not for mortal man, heaven in a plastic bottle, the red can of freedom, the river that makes you shiver, high fructose nirvana!

These are our top 3 concerns, but there are others. Green beans? Green beans? That’s what we’re eating for lunch now? And celery? It’s 90% water and has no flavor. Why bother? Drink a glass of water and eat a cookie. And what is with the walking? Twice a day; 4, sometimes 5 miles total? You have a perfectly good car you could drive to any destination. You had better take our complaints seriously or we’re outta here. We haven’t determined the logistics of leaving yet, but we will.


Your Body