Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Happy New year

The holidays are the time of year when we take a hard look at all we have to be thankful for in the past 12 months. As someone trying to establish a writing career and using this blog as a stepping stone, I find myself thankful for all the people and things that give me subjects to write about.

Politicians—It’s a given that politicians are horrible people. They all claim to get into the profession because they want to help their country, county, city or municipality grow and progress. In fact, they are in the game to reap whatever spoils they can for themselves and their family while screwing over the people that elected them. At the same time, they have to appear to be doing “something” so they can continue to get elected and not lose all the graft they’ve accumulated. 2011 was a banner year for any humor writer as the Republicans put up not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, but 127 ill-qualified, mentally unbalanced, narcissistic, not-a-good-idea-between-them candidates for the 2012 presidential election. We laughed along with Herman Cain as he forgot what Libya was. We chuckled at Mitt Romney attempting to squeeze a personality out of his ass cheeks. We cringed every time Michelle Bachmann opened her mouth because we weren’t quite sure if she was just being ignorant or was truly delusional. We shook our heads when Donald Trump said he does very well with ‘the blacks’ because we knew the only thing black about Donald is his soul, which he obviously sold to the devil years ago somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. So I say thank you to the American politicians for another year of their idiocy.

Shopping—I’m a little different than most guys in that I like to shop to an extent. I was raised by my mother and I went shopping with her as a kid and now I enjoy it as an adult. My shopping trips in 2011 have given me plenty to write about, from inattentive clerks to bonus cards that are so difficult to attain the store franchise has gone out of business by the time you finish filling out the form, to one memorable shopper in a grocery store who said something to her child that found its way to my ears which led to my stomach and I almost vomited. Hopefully 2012 will lead me to more store adventures like Walmart before Christmas when I picked up a blanket from the site-to-store desk. I told the clerk my item was a blanket and she began her search for it in a drawer that only a comforter for a pixie would have fit in.

My own stupidity—Sad to say I have provided myself an abundance of material. I got a speeding ticket, met bigfoot in the woods of a local park, I found out I’m too old to exercise as parts of my body started to fall off and I found things in my medicine cabinet that had been expired for 7 years. I would like to say that I will do better in 2012, but I know me. My personal inanity will only grow and I will be forced to share it with you. I’m sure in the months to come I will injure part of my body, try to fix something and have it rebel against me with an attack reminiscent of a Roger Corman movie, or sight a UFO from my yard on a night when the moon is low and the swamp gas is rising.

Here’s hoping 2012 brings me many things to write about and publish on the world wide web of internet tubes. Hopefully you will all stick around to read my ramblings. Happy New Year.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Rise of the Newt

America, what the hell? Newt Gingrich? Are you serious? The process for choosing a Republican nominee for President has already gone on longer than the director’s cut of a JRR Tolkien movie and now that we’ve finally gotten to the final act, we’ve moved the Newt to the top of the list?

For a while Mittens Romney was the front runner and I can see why. I mean, he’s an idiot with the thought processes of an amoeba, but I could see how he was ahead. First, he looks presidential. This should have nothing to do with it, but this is America, and let’s face it, we don’t elect people for the right reasons. Second, he changes his mind on issues with the frequency of a Disney tween star doing something scandalous, so when you listen to him he’s always saying just what you want to hear.

Then for a time Herman Cain was the popular choice. This didn’t bother me though, because I knew he would do something stupid and ruin his campaign. He just had that buffoonish, cartoon presence that made me say, “Oh yeah, this guy will immolate himself eventually. Let’s sit back with a cold beverage and watch.” Boom, Herman can’t remember what Libya is! Boom, one, two, three women accuse him of sexual harassment! Boom, another woman claims to have had an affair with Herman for over a decade! Goodbye Herman, you were good for some laughs. Infamy is calling, walk into the light.

But now. Now. Darkness has descended over our country. The Republican voters have been polled like members of a trailer park kidnapped by aliens, and they have spoken in percentage numbers. They have, for the moment, chosen Newt Gingrich.

Are you shitting me?

The same Newt Gingrich that was kicked out of congress 20 years ago by his own party? The same Newt that left his first wife while she was in the hospital to marry his mistress? The same Newton Gingrich who left his 2nd wife (the ex-mistress) to marry his new mistress (wife #3)? The same Newt who paid to have several companies create fake Twitter accounts for him so it looked like he had over a million followers? The SAME Newt whose entire campaign staff quit, en masse, because he went on vacation rather than campaign? This is the man Republicans would vote for if the election were held today?

Deep breath. Deep breath.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? How can you think . . . I mean what . . . he has never . . . morally bankrupt . . . a lifetime of bad ideas . . . how can you believe that he can . . . I mean . . . for God’s sake he’s Newt Gingrich!

All I can say is, I’m not a republican and bear no responsibility for this unholy choice.