Saturday, December 31, 2016

Goodbye 2016


2016 is almost over. For the world at large 2016 has been as Helen Mirren said “a big pile of shit”. Wars continue unabated in many parts of the world. The United Kingdom has caused an uproar by voting to exit the European Union. White Nationalists are rising in power in many countries and too many people don’t seem to care. Oh, and the United States voted an unstable, racist jar of orange marmalade in as their new president.

Then there are the deaths in the entertainment world. Many, many deaths. An unrelenting torrent from the Grim Reaper taking our music, our storytellers, our play actors. David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, Glenn Frey, Paul Kantner, Greg Lake, Keith Emerson,  Richard Adams, Harper Lee, Ken Howard, Doris Roberts, Garry Shandling, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Garry Marshall, Michel Cimino, Gene Wilder and Alan fucking Rickman. 2016 took Willy Wonka and Hans Gruber.

And this is only a sampling of those that passed. The real list is ridiculously long.

I can’t say on a personal level that it’s been too bad of a year and I hope that’s the case with anyone who reads this. But as a whole I think we’re all ready to move on. It’s time to say goodbye to 2016.

2016 . . . goodbye and good riddance, get out, hit the bricks, take a hike, beat cheeks, make like a tree and leave, skedaddle, vamoose, be gone, leave my sight and never return, there’s the door, so long, farewell, smell you later, ciao!, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, Sayonara, adios, jet, take off, roll, run, split, scoot, make tracks, hit the road, head east, skate, bounce, take a long walk off a short pier, turn the corner, depart, cut out, move off, sally forth, set sail, shove off, pack it up, vacate the premises, take your leave, disembark, make it so, reverse engines, follow the yellow brick road, toodle loo, let her rip tater chip and last but not least, get the fuck out!

Monday, December 5, 2016

When Cats take over the World

My cat’s name is Wild Colleen and she’s not much of a talker except at feeding time and then she repeats “Give me food, give me food, give me food”. My previous cat’s name was Phantom and he was a chatterbox. Every morning he wanted to talk about philosophy, why mac and cheese is a better side dish than cole slaw, how the Clemson Tigers can improve their running game, whatever.

You can imagine my surprise then this morning when Colleen comes in the bathroom jabbering away. I wasn’t even really awake yet but it had something to do with the volatility in the world financial markets due to the resignation of the Italian prime minister, the election of Donald Trump and the UK leaving the European Union. My response was something like “Huh? I already fed you.”

My indifference didn’t stop her though. She doesn’t trust the stability of the dollar, yen or euro and believes we should be going to a Little Friskies based economy. I thought she was joking and responded with “No you can’t have treats, you just ate.”

I was shocked when she showed me the email she had sent to the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank with her plan to replace all current currency with kibble. I spit out my toothpaste when she showed me their response asking for a detailed power point presentation of her plan including time tables for implementation, proposed interest rates for loans and would the substitution of cat nip be okay for some of the poorer countries. Again my response was inappropriate, “You’re getting fur all over my iPad.”

So now my evening of quiet reflection and Law and Order re-runs is being replaced with designing charts and tables on how the world economy can function with the payment of dry cat food for goods and services. Does anyone know how many pieces of Purina Cat Chow equals 1 ruble? This is going to take forever.