Friday, April 27, 2012

Politics in America 2012

Democrats: The sky is blue
Republicans: It’s clearly green and only a communist would call it blue.
Democrats: The republicans don’t know their facts. The sky is blue. All you have to do is look at it to see.
Republicans: We’re not talking about facts. We’re talking ideology. Politically the sky is a conservative green.
Democrats: Grass is green.
Republicans: Outrageous. To call grass green like it’s a foregone conclusion is the most Fascist statement ever made.
Democrats: We would like to waste everyone’s time by presenting a non-binding resolution to the congress that states unequivocally the sky is blue and the grass is green.
Republicans: We are announcing our intentions to further waste people’s time by filibustering this reckless and incendiary piece of fluffery.
Democrats: We have created a new government agency to monitor the colors of things, the Department of Hue Awareness.
Republicans: We will block the assignation of any czar of Hue Awareness with demagoguery and time wasting techniques of historical proportions.
Rush Limbaugh: The democrats’ attacks on the skies over this great nation are the worst kind of dictatorial nonsense. Here we have senators, at one time a respected position in our government, demanding that everyone believe that the sky is blue. Demanding it. Like we don’t have the gift of sight and the blessing of a sound mind to make that determination on our own.
Keith Olbermann: Today Rush Limbaugh, in between wolfing down a dozen bags of powdered mini donuts, spewed out more of his rancid rhetoric, criticizing democratic members of congress for telling the truth and nothing but the truth about the color of the sky. As per usual, Rush is on the wrong side of a battle that is not ideological, but strictly scientific and factual.
Democrats: The republicans love to toss around words they don’t understand like “communist” and “fascist”, but they can’t bring themselves to look at facts because it will prove them wrong.
Republicans: Democrats like to toss around words like “facts” like we’re in the backyard on a Sunday afternoon playing flag football. It is never as simple as looking at “facts”.
CNN: As the partisan debate on the color of the sky heats up the rhetoric from both sides is becoming damaging. Joining us now for a round table discussion are 4 former democratic senators, 4 former republican congressman, 27 various political strategists and tuning in via Skype are the publishers of 4,325 political blogs.
Michelle Bachmann: I don’t know what color the sky actually is, but I do know it’s falling down around us. The democrats and their socialist, communist, fascist ideals are bringing it to its knees.
Fox News: Run! Run! Run! The sky is falling, Death! Destruction! Pestilence! Run for your lives! The world is ending and it’s the liberals fault!
Any Local Newspaper or Online News Site: Scientists from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration released a report today containing definitive proof that the sky is blue.
Democrats: We are calling on the leaders of the republican party to formally apologize for their part in the fabricated controversy about the color of the sky.
Republicans: We don’t believe being vigilant as the watchmen of this country is anything to apologize for.
The American People: SHUT UP! All of you!

Friday, April 20, 2012

If You Don't Read This Blog You're as Bad as Hitler

The republicans sure do like to compare people and things to Hitler. You can’t attach Ann Coulter to a bicycle chain and swing her over your head without hitting some republican numnut on a soapbox yelling in their most vehemently fear-mongering voice “blah blah blah is just like Hitler!” To which the crowds of salivating, farting sycophants claps their stubby hands together and chant “As bad as Hitler! As bad as Hitler! We’re as ignorant as Hitler!”

The biggest target of this practice is President Obama, especially when protesting the health care act. Hitler was always trying to force health insurance on the German citizens. All those speeches we see in the film footage? All about health insurance. Premiums, pre-existing conditions, testing, Hitler just went on and on about it. Hmm. I was just looking in this history book and it seems that that’s not what Hitler did. Says here he invaded Poland, Czechoslovakia and France, starting World War II causing the deaths of millions. Huh.

Well there’s always New York republican Chris Collins who in a stump speech when running for governor said that Jewish speaker of the state assembly Shelly Silver was as bad as Hitler and in fact was the 3rd anti-Christ that Nostradamus predicted before the Apocalypse. His crime of course was making budget deals in private with other leaders. Just like Hitler. All those plans he made with Himmler and Goering and Eichmann to take the Jews from their homes and starve them in concentration camps were done in private. It’s exactly . . . hmm, now that I read it . . . it’s not the same at all. Huh.

Of course just the other day we have West Virginia republican Senate candidate John Raese comparing his having to put a sticker on his building declaring it a “smoke-free environment” to Hitler forcing the Jews to wear the Star of David. He actually said the words “Same thing.”  So to John Raese the fact that he has to let the world know that smoking is prohibited in his building matches up exactly with Jews in Germany having to wear an identification patch so the Nazis would know who to murder when the time came. Mr. Raese has been given several chances to apologize and say “I’m an asshole who should never speak or hold any public office”, but he has held steady to his belief that comparing ANYTHING to a man who murdered 6 million people is okey dokey.

My message to the republican party: Shut the fuck up.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Hey Dorothy, Check out My New Shoes

I had to buy new shoes this weekend. I work in an office environment so they needed to be “business casual” and they needed to be relatively inexpensive because I had already spent $52 and my left nut on a tank of gas. Seriously, when are we going to drop the oil speculators on a deserted island and let Ted Nugent hunt them for sport? I think that’s a reality show we can all get behind.

I went to Kmart. I don’t go there often but they have a good selection of nice, decently priced footwear. I found a pair of brown Thom McCann’s that was my exact size, 9.5 wide. Finding wide shoes at a department store can be a miracle along the lines of at least one movie a week coming out that doesn’t revolve around vampires. Considering myself Mr. Lucky I sat down to try them on. Let’s just say Mr. Thom McCann needs lessons in sizing shoes.

My size is 9.5 wide, always has been, still will be on December 21, 2012 when the Mayan calendar kills all of us in an Irwin Allen production. With this shoe I was able to get my big toe and a sliver of my arch inside. Shaking my head, I pulled a 10 wide off the shelf. This time I got all my toes in AFTER having them bound by a Chinese man who happened to be in the store purchasing air freshener and a bocce ball set.

Disgusted, I gave up on the brown shoes, pulling out a pair of black ones who were made by . . . Thom McCann. I thought, different style of shoe, let’s try the 9.5 wide. I was able to dangle my foot inside as though I was soaking it in Epsom salt laced water, but not as though I were actually wearing the shoes to work. I didn’t even bother with the 10s, instead went right to the 11 wides. Viola, my feet have a new home from 8:30 – 6:30 every Monday through Friday.

On the way to the registers I grabbed some new socks because I was feeling capricious. I had the approximate cost in my head when I went through the check-out line so you can imagine my initial shock when the clerk said, “That will be $657.18.” She took my fainting as a sign she may have done something wrong and rang everything up again. I will admit the new total of “3 goats and a lock of pixie’s hair” was better, but I was all out of anything from a mythological being since that Joseph Campbell party a few weeks ago.

I was finally given a total I could pay although it still didn’t seem right. When I was finished I found a quiet spot to compare the receipt to the tag on the shoes and they had overcharged me by $5. I won’t go into my trip to the service desk as I think you’ve had enough of my gross hyperbole for one day. I mean, 500 words about me buying a pair of shoes? Who do I think I am?

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ding Dong the Douche is Dead

Rick Santorum has dropped out of the presidential primary race.

We dodged a bullet,
had a close shave,
got lucky,
lost our religion,
found religion,
almost ate tofu,
nearly watched an Adam Sandler movie,
came within a second of thermonuclear mutual assured destruction before the computer realized it was a game,
closed our eyes just before seeing Grandma naked,
it was close—too close,
almost bought a Smart Car,
nearly believed Arnold Schwarzenegger got that big without steroids,
came this close to believing the Jerry Springer show was for real,
took a wild ride,
stepped in dog shit and had trouble cleaning it all off of our shoes,
zigged when we should have zagged,
ducked when we should have covered,
used the flim flam when we should have boogie woogied,

and last but not least,

actually listened to the putrescence that spewed from Santorum’s mouth and made the informed decision to vote for him

Rick Santorum has a college degree but tells others they shouldn’t go.

Rick Santorum once got an email from a friend whose boss was sleeping with his wife, asking for advice. Rick forwarded the email to the boss so the friend got fired and the scandal could remain hidden “for the good of the republican party”.

Rick Santorum doesn’t just think people shouldn’t use contraception, he believes they shouldn’t be PERMITTED to use it, by law.

Rick Santorum says there are no Palestinians. I’m pretty sure the Palestinians would dispute that.

When the Congressional Budget Office came out with numbers that said the Affordable Care Act would actually cost slightly less than previously reported, Rick Santorum gave a speech that night where he lied and said it would not cost twice as much as originally thought.

Why did anyone vote for this man?