Sunday, February 26, 2012

No Sub-stitute

There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to eat several thick slices of meat and cheese between a cylindrical bread roll, topped by lettuce, onions and mayo (or possibly spicy mustard or horseradish depending on his mood). In my part of the country we call this concoction a “sub”, short for “submarine sandwich”. Other areas of the country called them hoagies, grinders, heroes, wedges, rockets, torpedoes, Poor Boys, Po’ Boys, blimpies, etc.

I stopped at a local grocery store on the way to work one day last week to pick up one of these delicious meat missiles for lunch and was shocked, shocked I tell you, at the price. This sub was around 6 inches in length and from the outside through the plastic wrapper appeared to have the normal ingredients for an Italian sub. The price, however, told me it must be something special.

Six dollars. Six pictures of George Washington, or 1 picture of Abraham Lincoln AND a picture of George Washington, all for some bread stuffed with meat, cheese, lettuce, onions and tomato.

I studied the ham searching for flecks of gold. Surely the salami must have been shat out by some rare mountain lion in the hills of Argentina. I scoured the cheese for an autograph of the great cheese maker Luigi Provolone. Was the lettuce actually shredded $100 bills? Perhaps the onions were shavings of pearl. The bread had a sheen as if it had been sprayed in sterling silver. There had to be something that made it worth $6 when just six months ago I was paying $4.

I know, you’re saying try buying one in a big metropolitan area where they’re $35.50 and a vial of O + blood. But I live in a small town. I work a small job. I have a small bank account. I just wanted a small sub.

I don’t remember what I had for lunch that day, but it wasn’t the delicious sandwich I had dreamed of. I believe the paltry sum in my wallet bought some kind of low rent TV dinner that was definitely “lean” with not much “cuisine”. Oh well, my desire for fine luncheon meats and cheeses will have to wait for better days.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Forest, Meet the Trees

I’m so excited that my muse Michelle Bachmann is back in the news. Apparently there is a bill making its way through congress that would disallow welfare recipients from using their welfare cards in ATMs that are inside casinos or strip clubs. Michelle screamed like an over-caffeinated pixie that this bill will finally stop welfare recipients from receiving government aided lap dances. Yes! Michelle is back!

Don’t get me wrong, I know our welfare system does not work the way it was intended. I know that it’s true that recipients are using the money to gamble at casinos, play the lottery and buy alcohol and cigarettes. For once I actually agree with Michelle on something. Not allowing them to use the cards in casinos and the like is a good and necessary idea.

What amuses me is that my Michelle went right to lap dances. Not cigarettes, not beer, not gambling, she went straight to the strip clubs. Is there a skeleton in Michelle’s closet, perhaps wearing pasties and a g-string? How did you pay for college, Michelle? Was that actually you dancing as Boom Boom LaRue at the Ministry of Flesh?

Did you ever notice that really conservative people talk about sex A LOT? Especially conservative politicians. Rick Santorum can’t stop talking about it. Yeah, when he talks about sex it becomes dank and Draconian, something to be performed when the Sun is in eclipse and wolves are howling outside your door, but man, he just won’t shut up.

The other thing conservatives do concerning sex is lie about it. If you have a conservative politician railing against the homosexual lifestyle with fire and brimstone stump speeches, you can bet the farm he spends his nights watching a Tom Cruise look alike in Top Buns or spending quality time with a staff member named Kyle. If your senator or congressman uses the phrase “family values” more than 23 times in every appearance and always has his wife and 4 adoring children smiling at him in a Stepfordesque pose, you know for a fact he has an apartment on K street where two girls named C’quanda and Ruby Red let him snort lines of coke off their breasts while they recite the bill of rights.

Anyway, I’m thrilled to have Michelle back in the news. The world is more of a multi-colored, musical peyote trip when Michelle speaks her mind and someone in the media records it. Keep fighting the good fight Michelle! No lap dances for the poor! No lap dances for the poor! No lap dances for the poor!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

"100 Horrors" Released for Kindle

I’m dispensing with politics today and in fact with the humor/satire I usually write with this blog. Today I’m using my blog as a promotional tool, sort of like whacking you in the head with a wrench. The anthology “100 Horrors: Tales of Horror in the Blink of an Eye” was released for the Kindle on Amazon a few days ago by Cruentus Libri Press.

The concept of the anthology is 100 horror stories written by 100 different authors, each 100 words long.

My story “Into the Darkness” is a part of the anthology.

It is a unique challenge to try and tell an entire story in so few words, but having read the anthology myself I can tell you the authors selected here were up to the challenge. There are some very creepy stories, the kind of ideas that leave you muttering, “How the hell did they think of that?” There are others that let you know the author is a sick, sick individual who is beyond hope of living in normal society.

The stories are micro-short. You can read them quickly and quietly, but the images will stay with you, tapping you on the shoulder every time you turn the lights out.

Now . . . GO BUY A COPY!

Seriously, go now.

Here’s the link:

C’mon, it’s only 3 bucks. That’s 33 and 1/3 micros of quality entertainment per dollar. You’re not going to get a better value than that in today’s economy.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

A Country Divided

It started with Iowa choosing Rick Santorum. The core of the earth shuddered at the seismic shift in ignorance. New Hampshire followed with a predictable win for Mitt Romney and there was calm.

South Carolina was next and the southern lords and ladies caused another disturbance in the force voting for dark lord of the Sith Newt Gingrich, whose fleshy jowls frightened undecided voters to pull the lever marked “racist adulterer”.

The scourge of every election, Florida, came up next and for the first time in decades the state was able to pull off a vote without court challenges, recounts or more than 10 % of the vote for Mickey Mouse. Mittens chalked up win number 2 and the Republican Party was officially taking the path of least resistance to Romneyland where everything changes, every day including opinions and election platforms. Speak into the microphone and tell Mitt what you want. He’ll prepare a speech just for you.

Everyone packed their bags and headed out west to Nevada. Each candidate put a chip down at the roulette table, the wheel spun round and round, the little white ball bounced, jumped and jived until it came up Romney. Mittens had win number 3. All was vanilla and pabulum with the world.

Tuesday, February 7, a day that will live in a small amount of infamy within certain factions of Mitt Romney’s campaign and the Republican Party at large. Three states holding a primary or caucus. All three are carried by the same person. A dark shadow, like a vulture gliding low over a dead raccoon in the middle of a residential street, passes over the country. Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri all fell to Rick Santorum.

Updated Scorecard:

Santorum 4
Romney 3
Gingrich 1
Paul 0

The Republican Party is a mess. They have no candidate running that a plurality of the voters wants. Their platforms and policies are a sad mixture of benefitting-only-the-rich tax modifications, couldn’t care less if the poor can afford health care and let’s allow the states to make their own laws on EVERYTHING. You want to give that kind of power to a state say, like Pennsylvania, who can’t even keep their roadways paved and whose capital city is $300 million in debt? Good idea.

Santorum suddenly has momentum and his ideas are the worst of all. He hates women, gays, poor people, non-Christians and apparently America because he’s forcing us to consider him a presidential candidate. If you’re not a rich, white, male, conservative Christian Rick Santorum has no time for you.

Personally I have no time for any of these losers but one of them just might be president in 2013. If that doesn’t shake you to the core of your being then you must a rich, white male conservative Christian-in-name-but-not-actions. We are a politically divided country and none of these mouth breathers is going to fix that.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Consolation Prizes

And now it’s time for America’s favorite game show “Who Wants to be the Republican Nominee for President?” I’m your host Alex Trebek. Let’s meet our guests!

Our first contestant is a former speaker of the house from Georgia whose hobbies include racism and adultery: Newt Gingrich!

Next we have the former governor of Massachusetts whose favorite quote comes from rapper Fifty Cent, “Get rich or die tryin’”: Mitt Romney

Our third contestant believes in closed borders and closed minds: welcome wacky Ron Paul!

Finally, our fourth contestant is a former senator from the Keystone state whose campaign slogan is “Don’t Google me, bro”: Rick Santorum.

Now let’s welcome our moderator for the evening, Snoop Dogg!

“Hey, hey, it’s the d-o-g down with the G- O- P.”

Uh, all right . . . whatever that means, Snoop take it away with our first question.

“Yeah, listen up, why hasn’t the chronic been legalized?”

Newt: Chronic injuries and illnesses are the scourge of American prosperity. In my administration we will pass health care legislation that thoroughly covers all chronic sicknesses, unlike Mr. Romney’s plan.

Mitt: Will your plan also cover diseases passed on through extra-marital sex?

Newt: Cram it Richie Rich

Ron: The only “chronic” problem this country has is joining things: NATO, the United Nations, NAFTA, wars. It has to end.

Rick: I feel like I’m chronically misunderstood. That stuff on Google about me isn’t true!

“What are you white pastries talkin’ about? I want you to legalize pot.”

Newt: Never.

Mitt: Not a chance.

Ron: Maybe

Rick: No.

“Damn, the G-O-P is a bunch of S-O-Bs. I’m out. Peace”

All right, thank you to guest moderator Snoop Dogg. Now it’s the audience’s turn to participate. Push the button for the candidate of your choice.

And the results are in. The winner is . . . Mitch Daniels. Wait, Mitch Daniels isn’t running. Ladies and gentlemen you have to select one of our official candidates. Let’s try it again. Push those buttons!

And the winner is . . . Ronald Reagan. That’s it, I’m done. I’m going back to the green room and smoke a blunt with Snoop.

Good luck America!