People Who Need to Shut Up, Part 2

Politicians

All of them: Democrat, Republican, Independent, Libertarian, Communist, Teabagger, all of you shut up.

On Monday Republicans voted to block a finance reform bill from making it to the senate floor because they oppose it as it is written. I understand having differing viewpoints so on the surface this isn’t unreasonable. However, the bill wasn’t being voted on. It was just coming to the floor to be debated. So the Republicans were against talking about the bill. They didn’t want to debate whether to debate the bill. By all means, let’s not talk about these things. What good would open dialogue do when writing laws to govern the country? Let’s just scribble something down on a cocktail napkin over a triptych of highballs, add a few doodles or caricatures and vote that baby into law. Or is that what we’ve been doing all along?

The Democrats are no better. The next day I saw some senator on Andrea Mitchell Reports (can’t remember who he was or even what legislation he was speaking about—I know, I have a great ear for detail) saying he believes they have enough votes to push the bill through. Not, “we have a bill we really believe in” or “we have legislation that will change things for the betterment of America”, just we have the votes to cram it through. We could cram all the politicians into a meat grinder, feed the results to farm animals, and they could shit out better representatives than we have now.

Teabaggers, until you start denouncing the members of your movement who openly call for the assassination of the President or bring vile signs to rallies I won’t even listen to your platform.

The Lohan Family

For the love of a merciful God, will you just go away?

Lindsey is a drug addict. Her father is a drug addict. Since her mother is partying at the clubs with Lindsey until 5 in the morning, I’m assuming she’s a drug addict. The 16 year old sister has been living with Lindsey so I’m sure she’s partaking but still has that new drug addict smell.

They’re all attention whores, seeking out cameras to shove their pasty white faces at and microphones to speak the gibberish of a coke-addled mind into. If they combined their IQs into a composite family number it would reach back the evolutionary chain to Australopithecus africanus who liked to hang out in exclusive caves grinding animal bones into powder and snorting it through a reed.

Do us all a favor: buy a little farm out in the middle of nowhere where you can smoke meth and snort coke while basking in each other’s narcissism. The important thing is that you shut up and go away.

My Cat Phantom

Not technically a person, but I'm including him anyway. I love the little ball of fur but he’s like a gray crack addict when it comes to his treats, Temptations.

I get home from my second job at 5:30 a.m. so its 6 a.m. when I get into bed and I have to be up again no later than 12:30 p.m. Six hours of sleep is all I get time for. When I first introduced him to the Temptations I was happy I had finally found a treat he likes. Then he started waking me up at 11, an hour before my alarm goes off, begging for his treats. Soon it was 10:30, then 10. At first he just sat on my nightstand “meow, meow, meow, meow, meow”. Now he jumps onto the bed and stands right over my face “meowmeowmeowmeowmeow” until I wake up. This morning it was 9 a.m. when he woke me. I got up, nudged him out of the bedroom, yelled “Its 9 a.m.!” and slammed the door on his plangent, heart-shaped face.

Of course he sits outside the bedroom door “Meeoow! Meeoow!” Translation: “You’re killing me! I need my fix!” The only way I can drown him out is to turn up the white noise on my alarm clock. This morning I had the rain function on. The problem was I could still hear him “Meeeowwww! Why don’t you love me anymore?” So I turned the rain up louder and it became a competition. Pretty soon I had a thunder storm erupting in the middle of my bedroom and Phantom was on the phone with the SPCA hotline reporting me as an abusive owner.

Puss, for the love of God, let me sleep.