Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Stealth Mitt

The Romney campaign announced today a new strategy their calling “Stealth Mitt”. According to spokesman Ronald McDonald, the plan is for Mitt to disappear. No more speeches, promotions, appearances or press conferences. “We want to play to Mitt’s strength’s,” McDonald said. “His biggest asset is not saying anything. Silence is Mitt Romney’s secret weapon.”

From now on, the campaign said in a press release, no matter what happens in the world, regardless of the severity of the incident, Mitt Romney will have no comment. Assistant communications director of the Romney camp, Bozo Theclown, said “Mr. Romney keeping his thoughts to himself is what’s best for the country. Let the Democrats keep yapping. We’re on lockdown until the election.”

Asked what they’re going to do about the scheduled debates, assistant to the assistant campaign director Michael Scott had this to say, “Uh oh. I mean, of course Mr. Romney will be allowed to, uh, what I mean to say is, future president Romney will be speaking at the debates. Yes.”

Romney’s top policy advisor, Ass Hat, is said to have been the architect of the new strategy. Mr. Hat refused comment for this article but assistant policy maker Barnum Bailey told us “We have every confidence in Mitt Romney to win the presidency. But it’s our job to make the task smooth for him and keeping Mitt out of the public eye is easier for everyone concerned.”

Obviously it remains to be seen whether this new strategy works for the republican candidate but the public seems to be all for it. In a poll conducted by Blind Dog Research, 57% of those asked were thrilled to not have to look or listen to Mr. Romney anymore. 23% were glad he wasn’t going to embarrass the human race any further. 11% asked “Who is Mitt Romney?” 3% wondered how hot dogs were made. 2% were angry they had missed voting in the election and then happy when told they hadn’t missed it, although most admitted they probably won’t vote anyway. 2% believe Mr. Romney looks like their uncle Floyd who they always found “nice, but kind of peculiar”. 1% asked to borrow $20 from the poll takers and 1% rapped their answers in undecipherable street slang.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Mitt Sings the Body Politic

New from Capitalist Pig Records its Mitt Romney Sings the Body Politic. 2 CDs filled with the best of Mitt. There’s his number 1 hit, “Poor People”:

Poor People sung to the tune of Randy Newman’s “Short People”

Poor People got no reason
Poor People got no reason
Poor People got no reason
To vote

They got dirty hands
Beady eyes
They walk around
not believin’ my lies
They got runny noses
And messed-up teeth
They wear worn-out shoes
On their socialized feet

Well, I don't want no poor People
Don't want no poor People
Don't want no poor People
`Round me

Also on CD number 1 there’s “It Ain’t Heavy, Its Foreign Policy”, “Place me Gently Jesus in the Soft Hands of Off-Shore Bank Accounts” and Mitt’s disco favorite “Stayin Alive (on Minimum Wage)”.

Leading off CD number 2 of this astounding collection is Mitt’s personal favorite, “47 Percent Freeloaders”.

47 Percent Freeloaders sung to the tune of Nena’s 99 Red Balloons

You and I, in a hedge fund shop
Buy some stocks with the money we've got
invest them ‘til the break of dawn
Now we’re rich, all the moochers are gone

Back at home, losers’ hands are out
Yell the message, "Give me what you got”
hot sun in the summer sky
47 percent freeloaders go by

47 percent freeloaders
encouraged by the do-gooders
red alert red alert
They’re trying to escape from the dirt

The socialism machine springs to life
trying to cause trouble and strife
no love or respect
47 percent freeloaders expect, expect, expect

When I’m the president of this country
the rich won’t have to worry
everything I do will be for them
Thank God I’m not a Dem

CD 2 is filled with dozens more like “Severely Conservative” , “Let’s Take the Dog on Vacation”, “I Want Money” and “Imbecile”:

Imbecile sung to the tune of Super Freak by Rick James
I’m a very stupid man, the kind you don't nominate for president
I will always let you down, once you get me in the spotlight
I like the boys on Wall street, they say I'm their all-time favorite
When I make my move to the White House
I’ll be impossible to please
I’m pretty boring now (I’m an imbecile)
The kind of man you read about (in the Wall Street Journal)
I’m stiff as a board (I’m an imbecile)
I’m a disappointment (to everyone I meet)
I’m all right, I’m all right, I’m all right with Ann, yeah, he-he-he
I’m an imbecile, imbecile, I’m super-dumb, yeow
Everybody sing, imbecile, imbecile

Mitt Sings the Body Politic, available now wherever fake recordings are sold!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Mitt Romney's Haikus for the Middle Class

I don’t care for you
Never have and never will
I suck hard and long

You love our handouts
Can’t you get a job you bums
Vote for me I’m cool

The forty seven
Bonded by hatred for me
I’m still rich thank God

Mitt Mitt Mitt Mitt Mitt
I love the sound of my name
President Mitt yeah

Money I have lots
Money you have none oh well
I’m okay with that

Freeloaders you are
Poor people make me itchy
I scratch with gold bars

I don’t care hear me
It doesn’t affect my day
No soul to disturb

I don’t make mistakes
Never say I’m sorry no
Poor people suck it

When I’m president
The world will suffer badly
I’ll be in Cayman’s

Poor people can ride
Atop my car like Seamus
Then I can’t see you

No taxes for rich
No taxes for me and Ann
Give me your money

Friday, September 7, 2012

Conventional Wisdom

Welcome to the first annual People Who Don’t Watch the Republican or Democratic Conventions Convention. We have a long list of speakers prepared for day one so let’s get started. Oh, and if you’re peckish, in the back of the VFW hall we have a wide assortment of luncheon meats, Albanian goat’s milk yogurt, durian flavored thumb-print cookies, bitter coffee and watered-down tea.

Now, our first speaker is here to tell us some details of the republican convention which he watched from the comfort of his Loungeman 3000 easy chair while sipping a tallboy of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Please welcome arc welder Gary Melch.

Gary: Yeah, uh, thank you, thanks. It’s nice to see everyone, all  . . . six of you. Uh, I was supposed to fill you in, on, uh, what happened at the, um, convention there. But you see I didn’t actually watch it like I’d planned. After I settled into my chair there and popped open my beer I couldn’t find the remote so I ended up watching that Honey Boo Boo show. I didn’t know she had sisters and they have weird names too. I think one of them is Snickers and another is called Rutabaga and the oldest I believe is Chickenfoot. Anyway I saw maybe three hours of that. By then I was drunk and the show actually started to make sense . . . a little. At least I could understand what they were saying which was frightening.

Thank you Gary, for nothing. Go get yourself a sandwich. Our next speaker watched, hopefully, the Democratic convention and is going to fill us in. Please welcome local cheese log taste tester, Kitty McFiggins.

Kitty: Hello. I was asked to come here today to speak on the Democratic Convention. As far as I know the president spoke, and probably the vice president and maybe some other people. I’m sure the speeches had to do with things that the Democrats believe in and possibly some bad things were said about republicans.

Kitty, it sounds as if you didn’t watch the convention at all.

Kitty: Well, no. You see I was . . . sort of . . . with Gary . . . at the Red Lobster.

All 3 nights?

Kitty: No, just the first one. The next night we went to the United Methodist Church Social, Barn Dance and Covered Dish Spectacular.

And day 3?

Kitty: I’d rather not say.
Gary: We were in my Uncle Munchy’s camper.
Kitty: Gary . . .
Gary: We were naked.
Kitty: GARY!
Gary: I was out of beer but still had a tallboy, if you know what I mean.
Kitty: Oh, Gary.

All right, all right, Get off the stage, both of you. Well, this has been a tremendous waste of time.

Sort of like the conventions.