Sunday, June 21, 2009


Nitwit #1 Jim Cramer

Jim Cramer, whose CNBC show might as well be renamed “Oily Man Yells Nonsense at You For an Hour”, believes that he knows how we all feel about President Obama. In a discussion with Joe “I Was a Congressman So I’m Smarter than You” Scarborough, he said:

“When Americans hear health care reform, it just means tax increases. Until we get the economy moving again, I think everybody wishes that Obama would just kind of go away for a little bit.”

You want the most powerful man in the world, the most visible man in the world, and the elected leader of this country . . . to just go away for awhile. With the economy in ruins, the major car companies going bankrupt, the health care system out of control, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the unrest in Iran over the elections, the never ending disputes between Israelis and Palestinians, North Korea threatening the world with nuclear weapons, etc., you think Obama . . . should just go away. And this isn’t just your postulation. You believe we, the American people, also want him to go away.

Yes Jim, you have your thumb on the pulse of the American people. Wait, that’s right, your thumb is up your ass because you’re a shouting, sweating, prevaricating buffoon. Roll your damn shirt sleeves down you braying jackass and stop acting like you do your TV show to help people. You do it because you get paid an obscene amount of money to give bad investment advice and play a keyboard of morning radio DJ farting noises. You, Jim, are who the American people would like to just go away.

Nitwit #2 Representative John Culbertson

From Twitter, tweeted by Culbertson:

Good to see Iranian people move mountains w social media, shining sunlight on their repressive govt – Texans support their bid for freedom

Oppressed minorities include House Repubs: We are using social media to expose repression such as last night’s D clampdown shutting off amends.

I was walking through the supermarket parking lot the other day and I thought I recognized the driver getting out of a beat up Toyota Celica as millions of Iranians taking to the streets in protest of their sham election and fighting for freedom with some paying with their lives to defy Iran’s supreme leader who continues to threaten them with death if they don’t lie down like lambs and accept the false election results. But then I realized it was just Republican Texas representative John Culbertson going in for some corn pads and a lottery ticket. They look so much alike and their struggles are eerily similar.

Much like the Iranians who live in an oppressive environment forced to accept whatever bile Ayatollah Khameini spews forth and to be ruled by whichever lunatic he picks to be president, Representative Culbertson lives in a big house, gets paid an exorbitant amount of money for which he does nothing useful, gets free healthcare for life for he and his family, can say anything about the president without fear of physical torture and has freedom of religion, thought, satellite TV shows and ice cream flavors.

So you see, it was an honest mistake.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What's in a Name?

I noticed that the republicans like to change the name of things to suit their own needs and misinform the public. For instance, President Obama’s plans to redistribute some of the wealth in this country so we can all have a chance at a better life is referred to by some as “hope for the future”. The republitards refer to it as “socialism” and act as if someone just farted into their breakfast cereal.

Then there is the estate tax, a tax which only affects the wealthiest 1% of the country, but the republicheats started referring to it as the “death tax” to confuse people and make them believe it would affect them so they will throw their support behind repealing it.

Cosmic Overdrive has decided that in the rich tradition of the republiclods, we need to refer to them by new names. Names that better reflect their true nature. So start using these new names right away to impress your friends, win new clients and lower your cholesterol:

Old Name: The Republican Party
New Name: Douchebags R’ Us

Old Name: The Republican National Committee
New Name: Spittin’-into-the-wind-o’rama

Old Name: Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee
New Name: Captain Duh

Old Name: Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader
New Name: MC Old Whitey

Old Name: John Boehner, House minority leader
New Name: Orange Julius

Old Name: Rush Limbaugh
New Name: Blovi McBloviator, aka The Zeppelin

Old Name: Newt Gingrich
New Name: Teabag, the nuttiest racist in the west

Old Name: Glenn Beck
New Name: Gus the Flatulent, Corpulent Cow or The Mighty Methane Metastasizer

Old Name: Sean Hannity
New Name: Pansy Ass, Chickenshit, Liar; take your pick. Mix them up, be creative; Pansy Shit, Chicken Ass, Big Effing Liar

Thursday, June 11, 2009

She's Baaaack

It was quiet in Normaltown. The sun was just setting and folks had meandered home for the day. But as they shut their doors and the moon peeked over the horizon, something frightening returned to their burg. An auburn-haired dervish of howling, slobbering insanity roared down Main Street shouting “Conspiracy! Factual Inaccuracy! Fear!”

“Run!” the people cried, “Its Michele Bachmann!”

The good citizens of Normaltown quickly locked their doors and windows, pulled the shades and prayed to God for deliverance from “Chicken Little” Bachmann, but it was too late. The crazed congresswoman ran up and down the village streets, arms flailing, pupils dilated and frothing at the mouth.

What was she cackling about this time? It seems a car dealership that was shut down by GM was given a reprieve when the owner solicited the help of his Democratic senator who arranged a meeting with GM. Michele focused on the fact it was a Democratic senator who facilitated the saving of this business and she shrieked:

. . . We now have an imperial presidency where the President has appointed various czars reporting directly to him. And now he is reaching into the confines of private businesses and overnight rendering them virtually worthless—unless, unless they have a special tug, a political tie to a local Democrat Congressman. Is that what we’ve come to?

Of course, Michele doesn’t have time for “the truth” or “reality” or “facts” or “principles”. She has conspiracies to uncover. The aliens will be here for her soon and she has work to do before they reach Earth.

So while she was contacting the mothership she missed the part of the story where the owner of the salvaged car lot has no political ties to the Democrats. The man has never given a dime to a democrat, but has given over $100,000 in the last decade to republicans, including . . . this is the best part . . . wait for it . . . here it comes . . . over $6000 to . . . drum roll please . . . Michele Bachmann!

When the Normaltown residents learned of this they rushed out of their homes pelting Michele with reference books, newspapers, congressional reports and laptops already linked to Google and Yahoo. “We’re thinkers here in Normaltown,” the mayor bellowed while hitting Michele with a biography of Joseph McCarthy. Michele fought back with her patented cries of “Socialism!”, “Socialism!” and even “Socialism!” But it didn’t work.

The townspeople chased her back into the arms of the Minnesota state media who devoured her and regurgitated her back onto the local op-ed pages with titles like “Why Won’t She Shut Up?”, “Bachmann Writes New Dictionary, Only Contains One Word” and “Oddly Familiar Woman Shrieks at Passersby”.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Digiview Productions Thinks They're My Mother

When you’re a heterosexual male like myself and you’re watching a bad movie, at some point you inevitably think “the only thing that can save this film is if it has female nudity”. Now imagine that as you’re watching, the clouds suddenly part, a brilliant light shines into your living room and a choir of angels serenades you with a canticle signaling God has granted your wish: a beautiful naked woman appears on screen.

But something is wrong. A frisson of doubt passes over your now clammy skin. As you stare at your TV you realize that all of the “naughty bits” or “good parts” or “t & a” or “the unmentionables” or “the twins” are blurred out. Instead of a pair of breasts winking at you, you see an undulating square of color that seems to repeat in a mechanized voice, “denied, denied, denied”, thus making this the single worst movie watching experience of your life, even worse than having to sit through anything with Julia Roberts in it.

A few weeks ago I was watching a 70s martial arts movie called The Bodyguard starring Sonny Chiba. Quick review: dull, confusing, bad fight scenes. The movie just happens to have several scenes of topless women in it which were blurred out by Digiview Productions, the company that packaged and sold the movie. Apparently, Digiview thinks they’re my mother.

Did I need to see the exposed breasts? No. I Wanted to, but didn’t need to. Were they going to change my opinion of the movie? No, the movie was bad start to finish with or without naked women.

My problem is with the censorship. Any creative endeavor be it a novel, a painting, a sculpture, a movie, a song, whatever; needs to be controlled by the artist. The artist decides how they want their piece to look, sound or read. We as the patrons then decide on a personal level whether we like it, dislike it, are offended or don’t care. Digiview Productions doesn’t have the right to decide what is acceptable to the general public. You could argue that The Bodyguard doesn’t have any artistic value so it doesn’t matter. It was a grind house exploitation flick filled with violence and nudity merely to titillate. But I think it does matter. It was still the film maker’s decision as to what went on the screen. Digiview Productions is no one’s moral compass, nor arbiters of artistic expression.

In fact, let’s look at some other points of the movie that Digiview didn’t have a problem with. There are expletives in the film, including a few F-bombs, but they aren’t edited out. There are many fight scenes including one where a man’s upper arm is shot by so many bullets his arm actually tears off and he stumbles away spurting blood everywhere, Again, Digiview found this to be acceptable. So hitting, kicking, swearing, shooting, stabbing, torture, and murder are all a-ok, but a naked woman? Get thee behind me Satan! Digiview, if you don’t like naked women in movies you should have chosen another film to distribute.

Don’t try to think for me; I’m smarter than you, I can handle it myself. Don’t try to be my moral guide; considering what you find acceptable versus what you don’t, I’m better off following the philosophical teachings of my cat. Don’t put yourself on a pedestal; your movies are being sold at a dollar store for 50 cents and that’s what I think you’re censorship policy is worth.