Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Things You Don't Hear Every Day

“You can never have too many pickles.” That’s a phrase you don’t hear too often. Sure, you may encounter a mountain of a man at the local market one Saturday buying a 55-gallon drum of industrial dills swimming in an ocean of brine and hear him opine, “You can never have too many pickles, that’s my philosophy.” But unless this man is your uncle Skeeter who lives in your grandparent’s root cellar with his collection of dungball matrushka dolls, you’re not likely to hear the phrase again in your lifetime.

Another sentence you’re not going to hear uttered too many times is, “After the nitro-burning diarrhea it gave me, I won’t be eating at Tia Juanita’s Explosive Bowel Movement Café again.” There are several reasons you won’t be privy to this comment. First, I don’t know if a restaurant by this name actually exists. If it does, I’d guess it to be in Tucson or San Antonio or possibly Hell. Second, you would think the name of the establishment would be a tip off for any unsuspecting patrons. The speaker of this line would have to be incredibly stupid. My conclusion is that unless you know someone who is, or are yourself, as dumb as a VH1 reality-show contestant, you will never hear this phrase.

Watching TV the other day I would have been stunned to hear the news reader say, “Republican party leaders John Boehner and Mitch McConnell made cogent remarks today about something President Obama said.” Again there are multiple reasons why you will never hear this said. John Boehner, representative from Ohio, is orange. Seriously, check out a picture. The man’s skin is orange. It’s impossible to listen to a six foot carrot speak about domestic policy and take it seriously. Mitch McConnell, senator from Kentucky, is a gainsayer. He has never had a thought roam through his decaying brain beyond, “listen to what the democrat says, then say the opposite.” This idea has been squatting in Mitch’s brain so long it has taken root like an unrestrained dandelion, its tendrils reaching down into his brain stem.

Finally, one last phrase you will never hear: “this blog made perfect sense and really made me think”. Never gonna happen.

1 comment:

  1. So you're saying that my favorite reality show contestants are not brain trusts? I am so disillusioned!