Monday, December 23, 2013

A Christmas Poem

I was waiting around
for Santa to come,
hoping my presents were better
than last year’s Fruit Stripe gum.

I heard shouting
out in my driveway
and thought now I have to go
give someone five the hard way.

I opened my door too quick
scaring the fur off my cat.
I saw a man staggering,
he looked drunk, dirty and fat.

“Hey”, I yelled,
making him jump.
“Holy shit!” he exclaimed
before falling in a lump.

“Santa? Is that you?”
I asked carefully.
“Of course it is you idiot,”
he shouted back, scaring me.

I helped him to his feet
and brushed off his coat.
“That’s not for you,” he said
after seeing me staring at his goat.

“What happened?” I asked.
“You look awful.”
He started swearing in 5 languages
giving me an earful.

“Some lunatic shot at me
with a rifle I gave him.
He was drinking peach schnapps
and snorting cinnamon.”

“What’s wrong with people,” he continued.
“Why can’t they be grateful?
I don’t want to give out coal,
That’s hateful.”

“I try to be fat and jolly,
laughing and grinning,
but people piss me off
and I want to send them spinning.”

“Thanks for letting me spout off,”
Santa said tiredly.
Then he whistled and his reindeer
leapt from the tree they were caught in.

“I have something for you,” he said to me
reaching into the back of his sleigh.
He handed me a package
as big as a bale of hay.

“Wait until I’m gone to unwrap it,
Enjoy and thanks for your help.”
With that he yelled “Onward”
and the reindeer were off with a jump.

When he was gone
I opened my shiny new box.
Inside I found
A year’s worth of underwear and socks.

“What the hell?”
I exclaimed.
“This is what I get
for putting out your flames?”

Then I heard Santa’s voice,
loud and booming,
“You’re lucky you got anything.
I see what you do when no one is looking.”

“Damn,” I muttered,
wishing I had a stick of gum.
I went back inside
feeling kind of glum.

I put on my new socks
and felt better.
If only I also had
an ugly Christmas sweater.

Merry Christmas