Making it Up as I Go Along

I swear. Sometimes I swear a lot. It’s mainly when I do something stupid and get frustrated with myself or when a 5 minute project goes wrong and turns into a 2 hour fiasco. A third instance would be like right now when I’m typing these blog posts and keep making mistakes. I’ve already said some very bad words and I’m only a few sentences into this one. There are moments when I’m honest enough with myself to admit I’ve got to dial it back. I sometimes turn into an 1850s prospector spitting out “gosh durnit” and dag nabbit”. Other times I make up my own words or terms. Some of these I may have heard someone else say and subconsciously appropriated it in my own version.

crap on a stick--I usually say this in place of damn or shit. For some reason I use the word crap a lot. It’s still a rude word, but better than shit. One day I started saying “crap on a stick” which may be my lighter version of “Christ on a cracker” which I heard in a movie once and didn’t understand at all

craphound--I call inanimate objects this a lot. When my laptop doesn’t do what I believe I instructed it to it gets called a “craphound”. Any job I try to do with tools will get this treatment. Of course it’s not long before those moments turn into %$#*&. Tools and I don’t get along.

goofus doofus--I call myself this when I do something stupid, like mistype the same word over and over again. I’ve always liked the word “doofus” for some reason and just added a little pizzazz.

goof schnitzel--This one is new. Another term I hurl at myself when I’m annoyed at a mistake I’ve made. Goof is an oldie but a goodie and I think “schnitzel” is a funny word. One day I made a mistake at work and muttered “you stupid goof schnitzel” under my breath. No idea how my brain put those two words together.

bucket of bilge water--I believe this was born on a day when I was very busy at work. I was hurrying because I had so much to get done so of course I was making a lot of mistakes. I had already called myself everything I could think of, clean and dirty, made one more misstep, needed a term to chastise myself with and . . . this came out. It has a nice alliteration, but other than that I can’t explain it.

So what words have you made up to keep from swearing? Come on damn it, what the hell, you can frigging tell me.