Mittens

Barring something wild happening it looks like Mittens Mormon Flip-Flopper Plastic Man Elitist Millionaire No Common Sense Loves to Fire People The Candidate No One Really Wants Romney will win the Republican nomination for president. He’s already won the hearts and minds of a small percentage of Iowans and New Hampshirites and is now way out in front in early polling with an equally small percentage of South Carolinians. What are we to make of Mitt Romney?

Well, he smiles a lot. Every picture or video taken of him he has a giant, fake smile painted on his face, sort of like a clown without the makeup. It remains to be determined if he’s squirting seltzer down his pants, but my guess is ‘yes’.

He is an idiot. He passed some kind of health care reform in Massachusetts that very closely resembles what the Obama administration passed last year, but since most republicans don’t agree with it, Mittens has tried to deny what he did. That makes sense. I mean it’s not like they keep records of the legislation a state passes or that the governor has to sign documents or that people take pictures and video and report on it in the news on TV and the internet and you tube and political blogs blah blah blah.

He’s a bastard. Go online and Google Romney’s dog story. This asshole put the family dog in a kennel and then tied the kennel on the roof of the car during a 12 hour trip into Canada. Part way through the trip when one of his sons noticed the dog shitting down the back window out of pure, abject terror, Mittens became a man of action. He pulled over, hosed down the dog and the kennel, put the dog back into the kennel, re-tied it to the roof of the car and continued with the trip. Bastard.

He’s made millions by down-sizing companies and laying off hard-working people, all the while apparently laughing as if he were watching a Green Acres re-run. This election the number one issue is . . . drum roll please . . . job creation and the unemployment rate! Hmmm, Mittens doesn’t seem like a good match for this issue. It’s like an eHarmony meet-up between Paris Hilton and Tim Tebow.

So basically Mitt Romney is a smiley idiot bastard who, if elected president, would spend four years still trying to get people to like him, passing legislation and then backtracking, and denying suffering people unemployment while slashing jobs rather than creating them. Sounds like a fun 1460 days.

In conclusion I’d like to apologize to any reader who thought by the title that this was an article on winter outer wear. No harm was ever intended to gloves, hand warmers or Isotoners.