In the Dark Iowa Night

What are we to make of Rick “Pennsylvania’s Greatest Embarrassment” Santorum’s near victory in the Iowa caucus? If you watch TV news shows or read any news web sites you would think by the smothering coverage that this was the biggest event since politics was invented by a few over-intellectualizing Greeks. But let’s take a look at some facts.

1. The voter turnout for the Iowa caucus was around 5%. 5. Five. FIVE. One, two, three, four, five. Looked at another way this means 95% of the voters in Iowa stayed home to watch The Bachelor. MSNBC, Fox and the others of their ilk would have you believe this was a very important event but 9.5 out of every 10 Iowans didn’t give a shit. If the state itself didn’t care, why should the rest of us?

2. Does the winner of the Iowa race eventually win the nomination? No. Iowa voters have only managed to choose the future winner twice in the past 30 years. In other words they are successful about as often as I win on a lottery scratch off ticket. For all we know Michelle Bachmann will magically be written in on ballots in the other states and win the nomination, sweeping her way to the White House and plunging the country into 4 years of eye-gouging insanity.

3. Rachel Maddow made an interesting point last evening that maybe one of the reasons Santorum did so well in Iowa was because he hasn’t been vetted yet and the reason for that is: no one, not one person, nada, zilch, nobody . . . thinks he can win. We haven’t paid attention to Rick “Google Problem” Santorum because we don’t think he’s got a chance. Maybe the good people of Iowa haven’t heard the ignorant shit he’s said over the years. Get ready remaining 49 states, your ears are about to bleed.

In the end, the Iowa caucus made news only because it was the first one on the slate. Even the people who live there couldn’t be bothered to come out and cast a vote for Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy or Doc. The winner in Iowa clearly has no historical precedent so who cares?

The last time Santorum ran for the Pennsylvania senate, as the incumbent, he got flushed like a turd into the Susquehanna so it’s surprising to now see him win anything, much less a primary for the nomination for president. But what does it ultimately mean?

Not a damn thing.