I want to rule the world. There, I finally said it. I’ve been holding that in for a long time. I know it may seem like a grandiose dream, but someone once told me to dream big. Or maybe it was to scream at pigs, I don’t remember. The point is I want to be the Monarch of Humanity. I will be crowned in a ceremony that will involve Emperor penguins, scads of bunting, snack trays of fine luncheon meats, a marching band playing accordions and Elle Macpherson. Afterward there will be many changes to make so here are the first 8 steps I will take. Why 8 you ask? Because you expected me to use 10, but that’s the kind of ruler I will be, unpredictable. I just decided to only give you my first 7 despotic ideas. Expect the unexpected.
1. I will explain to the German people using string theory and etch-a-sketches that David Hasselhoff is not a musical genius. He is a singer who can’t sing, an actor who can’t act and a talent show judge who has apparently never judged himself. Being enamored of his music is like being hungry for Chinese food and going to the supermarket to buy a box of their frozen store brand egg rolls to sate your hunger.
6. (you expected it to be #2 didn’t you? Suspect the unsuspected!)
No one named Kardashian will be allowed on TV, radio, in a magazine, newspaper or any other media outlet including internet sites be they news, gossip, porn or other. Further, no one named Kardashian will be allowed to breed so there will be no more of them to blight our intellectual landscape, warp the minds of the feeble or give Bruce Jenner and his tight-as-a-drumhead facelift a reason to be the left-of-center of attention.
4. (still looking for #2 aren’t you? Reject all notions of normalcy!)
Friday nights on my All-World TV Network will be Ludicrous Italian Movie Night. Each week my Minister of Entertainment Rowan Atkinson will host a ridiculous Italian-made movie such as Hercules Against the Moon Men, Secret Agent Superdragon or Colossus and the Headhunters. The movies will feature “actors” culled right from the ancient cobblestone streets of Rome, no direction whatsoever and a plot as confusing as the continued popularity of Julia Roberts. All local mini-marts will sell Movie Packs to help your celebration of Italian cinema. The packs include a bag of popcorn covered in marinara sauce, a pack of Hercules cards (collect them all, trade them with friends), a box of red wine and a novel to read during the boring parts of the movies which will begin just after the opening credits.
2. (Ha ha! Unexpect the expected!)
The Euro will be replaced with the English banger. Europe will be run on a sausage-based economy. The denominations and nicknames will be as follows:
1 sausage = Banger
5 sausages = Gang Banger
10 sausages = Chitty Chitty Bang Banger
20 sausages = The Bangers of Seville
50 sausages = Bangers! Pow! Boom!
100 sausages = The Big Banger
7. (don’t suspect what you think you expect or your expectations will be rejected, reflected and inspected (apologies to Arlo Guthrie))
Since Texas doesn’t have the stones to carry out their threat to secede from the United States, I’ll do it for them. All residents will be transported to various south-seas atolls to reside in the “Realm of Ignorance”. This way they aren’t near any intelligent people and can’t try to infect them with their narrow-minded dumbassery
5. (expect the blah blah blah)
The official song of my new monarchy will be Iron Butterfly’s In-a-Gadda-da-Vida and will be played before all sporting events, government meetings and each new school day. All citizens will be required to stand for the entire 17 minute duration on pain of torture, which will be watching the DVD commentary for the entire Rob Schneider filmography.
3. (yada yada yada)
The names people are giving their children are out of control. New babies are being named after cities, countries, and areas of conception. The spellings include apostrophes, dollar signs and cartoon characters. When I’m in command couples will be limited to choosing a name from the approved list which contains 5 names for boys and 5 for girls:
Brandy (if it’s a fine girl)
Eventually I will make over 103 changes to the world as you know it when I’m in charge. I’ve given you a taste so you can prepare yourself. But hey, don’t warn Hasselhoff. I want to see the look on his face when he flies into Dusseldorf and no one cares.