Thursday, April 1, 2010

Law and Order: Woodland Patrol

Scene: Night, a copse of trees along a country road. Two rabbits are hopping down a trail.

Fuzzy: Did you see how good Flopsy looked? Damn.
Bouncy: Let it go, man.
Fuzzy: Let her go? How can I when she throws her silky ears in my face at every party we go to.
Bouncy: Let’s just get home. We both had way too much carrot juice tonight.
Fuzzy: Come on, let’s go to Speedy’s.
Bouncy: No!
Fuzzy: I just need a taste of the greens.

Fuzzy leaves the trail and runs down a hill to the road.

Bouncy: Dude, come back. You have to stop chewing the green!

Fuzzy, drunk on carrot juice, weaves across the road. When he is at the center line, a large automobile screeches around the corner.

Bouncy: Fuzzy!

Theme music and voiceover:
Crimes of the forest against the cute, little woodland creatures are especially sad. They are investigated by the Woodland Patrol. These are there stories.

Scene: Country road at sunrise. Fuzzy’s body lies on the macadam as several rabbit police officers gather evidence. Two rabbit detectives arrive and walk upon the scene speaking to the officer in charge.

Detective Hippity: Detective Hippity, this is my partner Detective Softee.
Detective Softee: What’ve we got?
Sergeant Whiskers: Deceased’s name is Fuzzy. He and his friend over there were coming home from a party. Tried to cross the road, got hit by a car. The driver didn’t stop.
Softee: They never do.
Hippity: Let’s talk to the friend. What’s his name?
Whiskers: Bouncy
Hippity: Of course it is.

The detectives walk over to the distraught Bouncy

Bouncy: It was brutal, man. That car came out of nowhere. He ran Fuzzy down like he was nuthin’! Like he was nuthin’!
Hippity: I know this is hard for you, but did you get a look at the driver, the license number, make of the car?
Bouncy: It happened to fast, it was too dark. The car flattened Fuzzy and roared away.
Hippity: Can I ask why you were crossing the road?
Bouncy: We were headed home.
Softee: According to what you told the officer on the scene your hole is on the other side of the meadow. You could follow the trail all the way home.
Bouncy: We, uh . . .
Hippity: Your friend’s dead Bouncy.
Bouncy: It doesn’t have anything to do with this. We were . . . going to visit someone.
Hippity: Speedy?
Bouncy: How did you . . . ?
Softee: Everyone knows Speedy. And what he sells.

The detectives leave Bouncy to his grief and walk back to the body. Softee kneels close. Hippity observes the surroundings.

Softee: Blunt force trauma to the head. He took a hell of a shot, bled out quickly.
Hippity: According to the canvas nobody saw anything. All the raccoons and possums were snug in their beds, eyes and ears closed.
Softee: They don’t want to be the next one with a tire tread across their foreheads.
Hippity: Softee, come here. Look at this skid mark.
Softee: Driver peeled away hard.
Hippity: It’s more than that. I recognize the tread pattern. That’s a late model Impala.
Softee: You don’t mean . . .
Hippity: The same one from the Bugsy killing last week and the Mopsy homicide the week before.
Softee: Shit.
Hippity: We got us a serial killer.

Join us next week for the exciting conclusion as Detectives Hippity and Softee confront Old Macdonald in their search for a killer.

Hippity: You’re going down old man!
Old McDonald: I didn’t do it, but I know who drives an Impala in this county.
Hippity: Give me a name!

1 comment:

  1. I can just hear Lenny saying, "They never do." No doubt this will extend L&O for another ten years or so because who doesn't love a bunny?