I was buying toothpaste the other day at the grocery store
and was marveling at how many different types they have now. Cavity protection,
triple protection, whitening formula, super whitening formula, Whiter Shade of
Pale whitening formula, sensitive, sensitive plus whitening, sensitive plus
whitening plus cavity protection plus will do the housework while you sleep,
overly sensitive formula, Alan Alda sensitive formula.
Then I noticed one labeled Pro-Health formula and that made
me wonder if there was an Anti-Health formula as well. What would the
anti-health formula be; a tube of hot road tar that simultaneously turns your
teeth black and causes third degree burns on your gums?
Doctor: What
happened?
Patient: I dused
da anthi helt formla of Cwest toodpast.
Doctor: That was
a stupid thing to do.
Patient: Ted mee
abut id
Doctor: You do
have fresh breath though. Like a freshly paved road in the summertime.
Patient: Dank yu
What would happen if the pro-health and anti-health formulas
came into contact with each other? Would they cause an explosion like matter
and anti-matter on Star Trek?
Kirk: Open the
tubes of pro-health and anti-health at the same time!
Scottie: Captain!
I canna let you do that. If those pastes mix you’ll blow up the ship.
Kirk: Scottie . .
. I’m responsible . . . for the lives of 419 . . . people. We have to take
better care of . . . our teeth. Bones, explain it to him.
Bones: Damn it
Jim I’m a doctor not an oral surgeon.
Kirk: We have
plaque and cavities. So many . . . cavities. Uhuru needs a root canal. Spock,
help me.
Spock: I’m sorry
Captain. On Vulcan our cleanliness rituals are ear-centric. We do not brush our
teeth.
Kirk: Somebody
obey my order . . . and . . . open those tubes!
I couldn’t find a tube of the anti-health formula although
I’m sure it was there, lurking, waiting to pounce. I think I’ll stay out of the
toothpaste aisle for a few weeks.
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