Monday, January 20, 2014

Danger in the Toothpaste Aisle

I was buying toothpaste the other day at the grocery store and was marveling at how many different types they have now. Cavity protection, triple protection, whitening formula, super whitening formula, Whiter Shade of Pale whitening formula, sensitive, sensitive plus whitening, sensitive plus whitening plus cavity protection plus will do the housework while you sleep, overly sensitive formula, Alan Alda sensitive formula.

Then I noticed one labeled Pro-Health formula and that made me wonder if there was an Anti-Health formula as well. What would the anti-health formula be; a tube of hot road tar that simultaneously turns your teeth black and causes third degree burns on your gums?

Doctor: What happened?
Patient: I dused da anthi helt formla of Cwest toodpast.
Doctor: That was a stupid thing to do.
Patient: Ted mee abut id
Doctor: You do have fresh breath though. Like a freshly paved road in the summertime.
Patient: Dank yu

What would happen if the pro-health and anti-health formulas came into contact with each other? Would they cause an explosion like matter and anti-matter on Star Trek?

Kirk: Open the tubes of pro-health and anti-health at the same time!
Scottie: Captain! I canna let you do that. If those pastes mix you’ll blow up the ship.
Kirk: Scottie . . . I’m responsible . . . for the lives of 419 . . . people. We have to take better care of . . . our teeth. Bones, explain it to him.
Bones: Damn it Jim I’m a doctor not an oral surgeon.
Kirk: We have plaque and cavities. So many . . . cavities. Uhuru needs a root canal. Spock, help me.
Spock: I’m sorry Captain. On Vulcan our cleanliness rituals are ear-centric. We do not brush our teeth.
Kirk: Somebody obey my order . . . and . . . open those tubes!

I couldn’t find a tube of the anti-health formula although I’m sure it was there, lurking, waiting to pounce. I think I’ll stay out of the toothpaste aisle for a few weeks.

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