Water Torture

I’ve been drinking a lot of water recently; half a metric ton every day. I’m noticing some changes in my body too. It all started when the wooden pole grew out of the top of my skull. It was about twenty feet high with cables and pulleys attached. Already struggling to get into the building at work every day, it didn’t help when a large triangle of cloth unfurled from the top of the pole, falling down in front of me so I couldn’t see a thing. I crashed into a homeless man named Itchy Pete that morning. I tried to help untangle him from the cloth but my hands wouldn’t work. When I looked down I saw they had become oars.

I’m turning into a boat.

Drink lots of water they said. You need it to be healthy they said. Your skin will be more vibrant, your kidneys will thank you, and everything will come up puppies and rainbows they said.

This morning I sprouted a rudder from a very uncomfortable place.

I realize that drinking water is healthy. I understand that for a long time I didn’t drink enough. I’m cognizant of the fact that human bodies are 75% water and that 75% of the Earth is covered by water and that life first formed in water and in fact life wouldn’t have formed without water. All salient points. However . . .

My torso has just evolved into a deck.

Is this still healthy? I’m drinking the water but can’t walk, only float. People at work are noticing the pool of water in my cubicle. Also, I saw something in it yesterday. Something big. With tentacles. How healthy do I really need to be? Maybe I could be half healthy, half fat and happy: A hybrid like something out of Greek mythology. I could be “fealthy” or “hat and fappy”.

Oh great.

I’ve just been boarded by pirates.