Welcome to the first annual People Who Don’t Watch the Republican or Democratic Conventions Convention. We have a long list of speakers prepared for day one so let’s get started. Oh, and if you’re peckish, in the back of the VFW hall we have a wide assortment of luncheon meats, Albanian goat’s milk yogurt, durian flavored thumb-print cookies, bitter coffee and watered-down tea.
Now, our first speaker is here to tell us some details of the republican convention which he watched from the comfort of his Loungeman 3000 easy chair while sipping a tallboy of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Please welcome arc welder Gary Melch.
, for nothing. Go get
yourself a sandwich. Our next speaker watched, hopefully, the Democratic
convention and is going to fill us in. Please welcome local cheese log taste
tester, Kitty McFiggins. Gary
Kitty: Hello. I was asked to come here today to speak on the Democratic Convention. As far as I know the president spoke, and probably the vice president and maybe some other people. I’m sure the speeches had to do with things that the Democrats believe in and possibly some bad things were said about republicans.
Kitty, it sounds as if you didn’t watch the convention at all.
Kitty: Well, no. You see I was . . . sort of . . . with
. . . at the Red Lobster. Gary
All 3 nights?
Kitty: No, just the first one. The next night we went to the
Social, Barn Dance
and Covered Dish Spectacular. United Methodist
And day 3?
Kitty: I’d rather not say.
Gary: We were in my Uncle Munchy’s camper.
. . . Gary
Gary: I was out of beer but still had a tallboy, if you know what I mean.
All right, all right, Get off the stage, both of you. Well, this has been a tremendous waste of time.
Sort of like the conventions.