Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Stealth Mitt

The Romney campaign announced today a new strategy their calling “Stealth Mitt”. According to spokesman Ronald McDonald, the plan is for Mitt to disappear. No more speeches, promotions, appearances or press conferences. “We want to play to Mitt’s strength’s,” McDonald said. “His biggest asset is not saying anything. Silence is Mitt Romney’s secret weapon.”

From now on, the campaign said in a press release, no matter what happens in the world, regardless of the severity of the incident, Mitt Romney will have no comment. Assistant communications director of the Romney camp, Bozo Theclown, said “Mr. Romney keeping his thoughts to himself is what’s best for the country. Let the Democrats keep yapping. We’re on lockdown until the election.”

Asked what they’re going to do about the scheduled debates, assistant to the assistant campaign director Michael Scott had this to say, “Uh oh. I mean, of course Mr. Romney will be allowed to, uh, what I mean to say is, future president Romney will be speaking at the debates. Yes.”

Romney’s top policy advisor, Ass Hat, is said to have been the architect of the new strategy. Mr. Hat refused comment for this article but assistant policy maker Barnum Bailey told us “We have every confidence in Mitt Romney to win the presidency. But it’s our job to make the task smooth for him and keeping Mitt out of the public eye is easier for everyone concerned.”

Obviously it remains to be seen whether this new strategy works for the republican candidate but the public seems to be all for it. In a poll conducted by Blind Dog Research, 57% of those asked were thrilled to not have to look or listen to Mr. Romney anymore. 23% were glad he wasn’t going to embarrass the human race any further. 11% asked “Who is Mitt Romney?” 3% wondered how hot dogs were made. 2% were angry they had missed voting in the election and then happy when told they hadn’t missed it, although most admitted they probably won’t vote anyway. 2% believe Mr. Romney looks like their uncle Floyd who they always found “nice, but kind of peculiar”. 1% asked to borrow $20 from the poll takers and 1% rapped their answers in undecipherable street slang.

No comments:

Post a Comment