The Romney
campaign announced today a new strategy their calling “Stealth Mitt”. According
to spokesman Ronald McDonald, the plan is for Mitt to disappear. No more
speeches, promotions, appearances or press conferences. “We want to play to
Mitt’s strength’s,” McDonald said. “His biggest asset is not saying anything.
Silence is Mitt Romney’s secret weapon.”
From now
on, the campaign said in a press release, no matter what happens in the world,
regardless of the severity of the incident, Mitt Romney will have no comment.
Assistant communications director of the Romney camp, Bozo Theclown, said “Mr.
Romney keeping his thoughts to himself is what’s best for the country. Let the
Democrats keep yapping. We’re on lockdown until the election.”
Asked what
they’re going to do about the scheduled debates, assistant to the assistant
campaign director Michael Scott had this to say, “Uh oh. I mean, of course Mr.
Romney will be allowed to, uh, what I mean to say is, future president Romney
will be speaking at the debates. Yes.”
Romney’s
top policy advisor, Ass Hat, is said to have been the architect of the new
strategy. Mr. Hat refused comment for this article but assistant policy maker
Barnum Bailey told us “We have every confidence in Mitt Romney to win the
presidency. But it’s our job to make the task smooth for him and keeping Mitt
out of the public eye is easier for everyone concerned.”
Obviously
it remains to be seen whether this new strategy works for the republican
candidate but the public seems to be all for it. In a poll conducted by Blind
Dog Research, 57% of those asked were thrilled to not have to look or listen to
Mr. Romney anymore. 23% were glad he wasn’t going to embarrass the human race
any further. 11% asked “Who is Mitt Romney?” 3% wondered how hot dogs were
made. 2% were angry they had missed voting in the election and then happy when
told they hadn’t missed it, although most admitted they probably won’t vote
anyway. 2% believe Mr. Romney looks like their uncle Floyd who they always
found “nice, but kind of peculiar”. 1% asked to borrow $20 from the poll takers
and 1% rapped their answers in undecipherable street slang.