Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Creed: The Reunion No One Asked For

It’s time to get out the B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. machine, the Biological Utilization Lying and Larceny Shinola Hypocritical Intelligence Translator which we here at Cosmic Overdrive use when a celebrity or politician says something that doesn’t smell quite right.

The rock band Creed, which broke up a few years ago, has, according to Rolling Stone, reformed. Singer Scott Stapp is quoted as saying he missed his band mates and they felt the same way intimating this may be their reason for as he calls it, a “rebirth” of Creed.

So, Scott, you don’t think it could be because your solo career and new band formed by the other members, Alter Bridge, have had little success on their own? Does that ring a bell? Playing clubs instead of stadiums? No radio play versus 24 hour saturation? Dating JC Penney Catalog models instead of Playboy playmates? Any of this sound familiar?

Here’s how B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. imagines their reunion meeting went:

Stapp: So guys, what have you been doing since we broke up?

Rest of the band: We formed a new band, Alter Bridge.

Stapp: Cool. How’s that going?

Rest of the band: We’ve sold a dozen CDs out of the back of our manager’s Astrovan.

Stapp: Yeah? Well I recorded a solo CD. Sold 13 copies, mostly to my wife’s family.

Rest of the band: Yeah, well, 2 more people just bought ours while we were standing here, so that’s 14.

Stapp: Uh huh. Well I met 3 people last night that were definitely thinking about going out and buying my CD in the next few days, so that’s 15 for me.

Rest of the band: My uncle is going to buy one for all his fellow Wal Mart greeters, so then, technically, we’ll be in the largest retailer in the world.

Stapp: Yeah? Well my dad owns Wal mart and he’ll see that never happens!

Rest of the band: Your dad doesn’t own Wal mart, he sells boat insurance.

Stapp: Nuh uh.

Rest of the band: Yuh huh.

Stapp: Ok, ok. This is stupid. Our careers have settled to the bottom of the lake. You want to just get Creed back together?

Rest of the band: Yeah, all right.

Stapp: Cool. I’m still going to be an asshole and I get first choice of the women backstage.

Rest of the band: Whatever. We just want to play to more than 16 people. That one guy follows us to all of the shows . . . and he smells like cheese.

Stapp: Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was practicing my messianic posing.

Rest of the band: This is gonna suck.

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