Wednesday, July 1, 2015

First Impressions

With so many candidates running for president I thought it was about time I got a feel for what people thought of this motley crew of skin and plasma. So I pretended to do a series of man-on-the-street interviews. Here are the responses I believe I would have gotten if I had actually done said interviews.

Democratic candidates

Hillary Clinton—“Another Clinton? God help us.”
Joe Biden—“He’s like a thousand years old, no.”
Bernie Sandersa very small group of people-“Woohoo!” The rest of the country-“I. Don’t. Think. So.”
Martin O’Malleypeople who live in Maryland-“Uh, no.” The rest of the country-“Who?”

Republican candidates

Jeb Bush—“Wait, is he related to the other Bush’s? Aw, hell no!”
Ben Carson—“Hmm, he’s a neurosurgeon so he has to be smart. He said what? He compared people who voted for Obama to Nazis and thinks the affordable care act is worse than 9/11? Never mind.”
Ted Cruz—“No, no, no, no, no, no, no.”
Rand Paul—“We get our bourbon from Kentucky, not our presidents.”
Bobbie Jindal—“You can’t be serious.”
Donald Trump—“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That’s a good one. Donald Trump running for president. Ha! You got me.”
Chris Christie—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from New Jersey.”
Rick Perry—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Texas.”
Scott Walker—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Wisconsin.”
Mike Huckabee—“Oh I remember him, the idiot from Arkansas. No, not that idiot, the Republican one.”
Carly Fiorina— “Worst. CEO. Ever.”
Lindsay Graham—“I’ve heard the name, but I thought it was an actress on a soap opera.”
George Pataki —“I can’t vote for someone whose skin looks like it’s melting off his skull.”
Marco Rubio—“Is this the guy who sang Living la Vida Loca?”
Rick Santorum—“Ewwww.”
Lincoln Chafee—“If I never heard of Martin O’Malley what makes you think I’ve heard of Lakeland Chafing?”
Jim Webb—“This is getting silly.”
Bob Ehrlich—“Really, who are these people?”
Mark Everson—“Now you’re just making names up.”
Jim Gilmore—“This game stopped being fun 10 candidates ago.”
John Kasich —“I’m not playing anymore.”
Pete King—“Seriously, stop it.”

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