With so
many candidates running for president I thought it was about time I got a feel
for what people thought of this motley crew of skin and plasma. So I pretended
to do a series of man-on-the-street interviews. Here are the responses I
believe I would have gotten if I had actually done said interviews.
Democratic candidates
Hillary Clinton—“Another Clinton
Joe Biden—“He’s like a thousand years old, no.”
Bernie Sanders—a
very small group of people-“Woohoo!” The
rest of the country-“I. Don’t. Think. So.”
Martin O’Malley—people who live in Maryland-
Republican candidates
Jeb Bush—“Wait, is he related to the other Bush’s? Aw,
hell no!”
Ben Carson—“Hmm, he’s a
neurosurgeon so he has to be smart. He said what? He compared people who voted
for Obama to Nazis and thinks the affordable care act is worse than 9/11? Never
mind.”
Ted Cruz—“No, no, no, no, no,
no, no.”
Rand Paul—“We get our bourbon
from Kentucky
Bobbie
Jindal—“You
can’t be serious.”
Donald
Trump—“Ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That’s a good one. Donald Trump running for
president. Ha! You got me.”
Chris
Christie—“Oh
I remember him, the idiot from New
Jersey
Rick Perry—“Oh I remember him, the
idiot from Texas
Scott Walker—“Oh I remember him, the
idiot from Wisconsin
Mike
Huckabee—“Oh
I remember him, the idiot from Arkansas
Carly
Fiorina—
“Worst. CEO. Ever.”
Lindsay
Graham—“I’ve
heard the name, but I thought it was an actress on a soap opera.”
George
Pataki —“I
can’t vote for someone whose skin looks like it’s melting off his skull.”
Marco
Rubio—“Is
this the guy who sang Living la Vida Loca?”
Rick
Santorum—“Ewwww.”
Lincoln
Chafee—“If I never heard of Martin O’Malley what makes you think
I’ve heard of Lakeland Chafing?”
Jim Webb—“This is getting
silly.”
Bob
Ehrlich—“Really,
who are these people?”
Mark
Everson—“Now
you’re just making names up.”
Jim
Gilmore—“This
game stopped being fun 10 candidates ago.”
John
Kasich —“I’m
not playing anymore.”
Pete King—“Seriously, stop it.”
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