Thursday, July 9, 2015

The Glaze of Truth

Ariana Grande is a mythical pixie in flesh form who sings unoriginal, derivative songs in a tone only schnauzers can hear. For reasons that elude me and cats throughout the world, some people like her music, enough so she was set to head a concert in Pittsburg this weekend for Major League Baseball.

Yesterday a video surfaced of the lighter than hydrogen singer in a donut shop with her boyfriend, one of her back up dancers (unoriginal and derivative in romance as well). Ariana pretended to lick a donut that was on the counter. Then when an employee brought out a new tray of fresh donuts she said, “What the fuck is this? I hate Americans. I hate America.”

Hmmm. I don’t . . . I don’t know where to start. How . . . how do you explain . . . this?

If you don’t like donuts, GET OUT! This country does not need you. Donuts are sacred!

If you don’t like donuts, why are you in a donut shop? Surely there was some Shakespearian forest you could have been prancing around in with Puck and the sprites.

Why would you pretend to lick a donut? That innocent pastry did nothing to harm you. That sugary glaze was not meant for a mouth as bitter as yours, but as a sweet delight for a hard-working American. Joe the construction worker deserved that donut. Instead a mincing show pony ruined it.

When they brought out the tray of donuts why did you hiss at it like your boy-toy had just slid his finger in your ass? They weren’t going to hurt you. They’re donuts, not cobras.

My research says you were born in Boca Raton Florida which makes you an American. Self-loathing can be an enjoyable hobby, but most of us keep it quiet, we don’t announce it out loud to a camera,

Grande is no longer playing the baseball concert. She says it’s because she is recovering from having her wisdom teeth pulled.

(cough)(cough)bullshit(cough)  (cough)bullshit(cough)

The box of 10X sugar with a microphone has also apologized and explained she was just concerned about childhood obesity and she naïvely thought she could help by going to Dunkin Donuts, making out with someone on her payroll and then cursing 300,000,000 people.

Narcissism is great, huh?

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