Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Following the Crowd

I realized the other day that I may be the only person left in the world that doesn’t have his own podcast and is also not running for president in 2016. I’m not sure what this means about myself. Am I lazy? Not ambitious enough? Don’t care?

If I had a podcast what would my subject be? My love of cream-filled donuts? I don’t know if I can fill an hour a week about donuts. Who would my guests be, the Dunkin Donuts lady?

“Good afternoon. Today I welcome Mindy Nussbaum, donut chef at Dunkin Donuts store #435 in charge of glazed, sprinkles and crullers.”

Once we got past the fact that she has a dream job though, I’m not sure where that interview goes. Each week I would need another guest. They would get progressively worse until around week 8 where it would be just me drooling in a sugar coma after eating a half dozen angel creams.

About running for president, I guess this would be the year to do it. There are already 119 candidates combined with the two parties and that doesn’t even count the fringe parties like communist, libertarian, Duck Dynasty enthusiasts, Duggar apologists, the Hipster Beard party and Johnny Depp in his worst role yet.

And let’s not forget that all proclaimed candidates suck. I may be the breath of fresh air this country needs. Well, maybe not fresh air. More like the slightly stale air that escapes when you open a closet door for the first time in months, which is still better than the “just down the road from the industrial pig farm” air that the other candidates are giving off.

So I guess if I want to conform I need to get the “Donut Hole in My Soul” podcast started and fill out the paperwork to declare as a candidate for president. I will be my own guest one week on the show so I can lob softball questions at myself about my campaign. I’ll lay out the tenets of my job creation program that is essentially building more donut factories. As podcast host I will warn myself about the health implications of this plan and as a presidential candidate I will speak eloquently for 20 minutes without coming close to the subject at hand. I will then kiss my own ass, sign off for the day and take a nap.

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