A National Day of Mourning

This is hard news to report. I’ve hesitated typing these words because there’s so much sadness in the world already and I didn’t want to add to it, but I see other news outlets have already broken the story. Yes, it’s true: Kelly Osbourne has quit Fashion Police.

She threatened to do it, but we didn’t believe her. The Republicans begged the president to go to DEF CON 3 and send in a seal team to talk her out of it. The Democrats tried to pass an emergency bill through congress outlawing her ability to quit the show, however, several key senators screwed it up by adding provisions for getting health insurance for the indigent and job creation legislation. Why can’t our elected officials see the big picture? There meddling killed the bill and now Kelly is gone.

How will this nation survive someone like Kelly, who has no discernible talent, leaving a TV show no self-respecting person would ever watch? This is what Americans thrive on: Narcissistic plasma balls wearing birthday-party-clown make-up getting paid the gross national income of Paraguay to do nothing of value to society. If we let people like this quit their meaningless jobs how will we fill 24 hours of programming on fringe networks like E!, Bravo or NBC?

This is indeed a sad day, but one we should have seen coming. Vacuum hoses like Kelly Osbourne can only suck the life out of us for so long before they fill up and blow away like a Mylar balloon, fading into the ionosphere.