Monday, March 30, 2015

Where has Spring Gone?

Breaking News!

This is Bill Everyman for Generic Internet News Channel. We have just learned that Spring is missing. Authorities have been looking for Spring since it didn't show up for work on March 20th as scheduled. Summer, close friends with Spring, has not heard from the season since the evening of the 19th.

"She texted me the night before," Summer said, her voice breaking. "She was really excited, you know. Winter has been a bastard this year and she was really looking forward to brightening things up with colors and warmer weather."

A spokesman for the Council of Seasons released this statement:

"We are cooperating with authorities in every way possible to bring Spring back safely. Any resources they need we are willing to provide. We want the new seasons to take over as scheduled. There has been speculation that Winter has had something to do with Spring's disappearance. We have talked to Winter extensively and are satisfied that he had nothing to do with the current situation. Winter has pledged to not take advantage and to cooperate with Federal authorities."

As to the final part of the statement, the FBI, along with Interpol, today conducted a search of Winter's home in Antarctica well as his summer cabin in Turtle Lake, North Dakota. No trace of Spring was found although they did confiscate personal photographs and videos stolen from Autumn when her iPhone was hacked last October.

Lead Interpol investigator Lieutenant Rand McTavish held a press conference directly after the search:

"We have several solid leads to follow. Interpol is coordinating with law enforcement from around the globe and we will find Spring. We have set up a hotline for any citizen to contact with information if they have anything viable to share. And no, seeing a robin is not a helpful lead. Do you understand Mrs. Lee Throckmeyer of Nashville Tennessee? Please stop calling. The number is 1-800-867-5309. Thank you."

This has been Bill Everyman. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, the season 2 finale of World's Greatest Police Chases on Unicycles.

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