A Christmas Poem

I was waiting around

for Santa to come,

hoping my presents were better

than last year’s Fruit Stripe gum.

I heard shouting

out in my driveway

and thought now I have to go

give someone five the hard way.

I opened my door too quick

scaring the fur off my cat.

I saw a man staggering,

he looked drunk, dirty and fat.

“Hey”, I yelled,

making him jump.

“Holy shit!” he exclaimed

before falling in a lump.

“Santa? Is that you?”

I asked carefully.

“Of course it is you idiot,”

he shouted back, scaring me.

I helped him to his feet

and brushed off his coat.

“That’s not for you,” he said

after seeing me staring at his goat.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You look awful.”

He started swearing in 5 languages

giving me an earful.

“Some lunatic shot at me

with a rifle I gave him.

He was drinking peach schnapps

and snorting cinnamon.”

“What’s wrong with people,” he continued.

“Why can’t they be grateful?

I don’t want to give out coal,

That’s hateful.”

“I try to be fat and jolly,

laughing and grinning,

but people piss me off

and I want to send them spinning.”

“Thanks for letting me spout off,”

Santa said tiredly.

Then he whistled and his reindeer

leapt from the tree they were caught in.

“I have something for you,” he said to me

reaching into the back of his sleigh.

He handed me a package

as big as a bale of hay.

“Wait until I’m gone to unwrap it,

Enjoy and thanks for your help.”

With that he yelled “Onward”

and the reindeer were off with a jump.

When he was gone

I opened my shiny new box.

Inside I found

A year’s worth of underwear and socks.

“What the hell?”

I exclaimed.

“This is what I get

for putting out your flames?”

Then I heard Santa’s voice,

loud and booming,

“You’re lucky you got anything.

I see what you do when no one is looking.”

“Damn,” I muttered,

wishing I had a stick of gum.

I went back inside

feeling kind of glum.

I put on my new socks

and felt better.

If only I also had

an ugly Christmas sweater.

Merry Christmas