Wednesday, April 17, 2013

These Feet Were Made for Blistering

I went to Washington D.C. a few Fridays ago and saw the monuments and a couple of museums. I did A LOT of walking. Everything is in one area but it’s all so big you have walk and walk and walk to get anywhere. By the end of the day I had developed a very large blister on the bottom of my right foot. It’s getting better . . . but it’s not going away entirely and I’m afraid it’s taken up permanent residence.

I searched the internet for precedence and found the case of Larry Brickman from Sioux City Iowa who developed a blister on his heel in 1997. The repeated use of antibiotic cream (which I have been using as well) resulted in the blister gaining sentience. Before Larry knew it the blister, who was now going by the name Whitey Hardskin, had built a permanent home on his heel complete with indoor plumbing and rattan furniture on the deck overlooking Larry’s calf.

Feeling nervous, last night I tried talking to my blister:

“So, when were thinking about leaving?”

“Nerty efidof dfogg.”


“Joued nmmkjsdh nnndfff”

“I gotta go. Nice talking to you.”


Ok, so good news and bad news. The bad news, the blister talked back so it’s self-aware. The good news is it’s apparently a blithering idiot. I decided to cover it up with a bandage and hope that without light and air, the blister would pack up and move on. But before I could place the bandage I was handed a tiny piece of paper. Putting it under a bright light and using an electron microscope I built myself from empty Chef Boy-Ar-Dee cans and Fruit Stripe gum, I read a strongly worded cease-and-desist letter. The blister has retained counsel.

So for now I’m stuck with my foot blister. It talks while I’m trying to sleep, cries during episodes of Duck Dynasty and yells out wrong answers during Jeopardy. The answer was “He led the roughriders in the Spanish-American War” and the blister says “What is peanut butter?” Come on: If you’re not even going to try . . .

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m being inundated with legal briefs from the lawyer. The blister is suing me for everything from defamation of character to creating an unsafe work environment. He’s also applied for a permit to build a townhouse. The borough inspected my foot last night and will issue a ruling late next week.

All this to see the Washington Monument . . .

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