Not Ready for NPR

Now that Car Talk is ending on NPR I figure they will be looking for replacement shows. This is my first attempt called Bad Movie Talk.

CO: Welcome to Bad Movie Talk.

Caller 1: Thanks. This is Brad from Demoines, Iowa. I have a date this weekend and I want to rent a bad movie. What should I go with?

CO: Except for Pelican Brief and Ocean’s 11, anything with Julia Roberts in it. The movie is guaranteed to be at the very least cloying and irritating but your date will love it because chicks dig Julia. Next caller.

Caller 2: Hi, this is Denise from Overland Park Kansas. My boyfriend wanted to prove to me that Adam Sandler could make anything funny so we rented Punch Drunk Love. I didn’t get it.

CO: First off, your boyfriend’s an idiot. Punch Drunk Love is not a comedy, not that any movie Sandler is in is funny but PDL was meant to be a drama. This was Sandler’s attempt to show the world he could do more than fart jokes, but he failed. The movie is awful. Next caller.

Caller 3: Greetings. My name is Howard Loveland and I am from Bozeman Montana.

CO: What can I do for you Howard?

Caller 3: I am a very dull person and I like dull things, such as the Weather Channel and the music of Kenny G. Could you recommend a movie that will bore the life out of me?

CO: Howard my friend, get ready to feel like you’re under sedation when you rent and play The Brown Bunny. The first ten minutes is nothing but a motorcycle race which you watch from a distance as if you were in the stands so you can’t even tell what the hell is going on. Then we get to see the racer put his bike in his van and drive away. I hope you like the view of the open road from the front of a van because you get 30-40 minutes of it in The Brown Bunny. And don’t worry about following the plot Howard. There isn’t one! Next caller.

Caller 4: This is Janine from Sacramento. I don’t like science fiction but my young son loves it. Is there a sci-fi movie I could show him that would kill his love of the genre?

CO: Actually there are any number of films that would fit the bill Janine but I’m going to recommend one from 1956 called Fire Maidens of Outer Space. A bunch of astronauts go on a mission to the 13th moon of Jupiter and find the lost civilization of Atlantis thriving there. Sound stupid? It is! The rest of the movie is people talking, girls dancing badly and a “monster” that is supposed to frighten you but just makes you feel sad for the actor that had to play him.

I’m also developing other shows called Let’s Talk Condiments, Everyone Loves Air Conditioning, and How Many Things Taste Better with Salt?