Monday, February 6, 2012

Consolation Prizes

And now it’s time for America’s favorite game show “Who Wants to be the Republican Nominee for President?” I’m your host Alex Trebek. Let’s meet our guests!

Our first contestant is a former speaker of the house from Georgia whose hobbies include racism and adultery: Newt Gingrich!

Next we have the former governor of Massachusetts whose favorite quote comes from rapper Fifty Cent, “Get rich or die tryin’”: Mitt Romney

Our third contestant believes in closed borders and closed minds: welcome wacky Ron Paul!

Finally, our fourth contestant is a former senator from the Keystone state whose campaign slogan is “Don’t Google me, bro”: Rick Santorum.

Now let’s welcome our moderator for the evening, Snoop Dogg!

“Hey, hey, it’s the d-o-g down with the G- O- P.”

Uh, all right . . . whatever that means, Snoop take it away with our first question.

“Yeah, listen up, why hasn’t the chronic been legalized?”

Newt: Chronic injuries and illnesses are the scourge of American prosperity. In my administration we will pass health care legislation that thoroughly covers all chronic sicknesses, unlike Mr. Romney’s plan.

Mitt: Will your plan also cover diseases passed on through extra-marital sex?

Newt: Cram it Richie Rich

Ron: The only “chronic” problem this country has is joining things: NATO, the United Nations, NAFTA, wars. It has to end.

Rick: I feel like I’m chronically misunderstood. That stuff on Google about me isn’t true!

“What are you white pastries talkin’ about? I want you to legalize pot.”

Newt: Never.

Mitt: Not a chance.

Ron: Maybe

Rick: No.

“Damn, the G-O-P is a bunch of S-O-Bs. I’m out. Peace”

All right, thank you to guest moderator Snoop Dogg. Now it’s the audience’s turn to participate. Push the button for the candidate of your choice.

And the results are in. The winner is . . . Mitch Daniels. Wait, Mitch Daniels isn’t running. Ladies and gentlemen you have to select one of our official candidates. Let’s try it again. Push those buttons!

And the winner is . . . Ronald Reagan. That’s it, I’m done. I’m going back to the green room and smoke a blunt with Snoop.

Good luck America!

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