Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Ink Rebellion

I put a new black ink cartridge in my printer last week. I couldn’t find the proper Lexmark cartridge so I bought an Office Max brand replacement, but my printer doesn’t want to recognize it. When I hit print I get a message that there is no black ink installed and I have to tell it to continue anyway. I decided to open the lid and see if I could tap it, or re-install it or something to get it to recognize the cartridge. What I saw and heard going on inside my printer was very strange:

Lexmark Z1300: So, good sir, you wish to marry my daughter, Lexmark Color Ink Cartridge.
Office Max Black Ink Cartridge: No, actually I thought I’d just hang around for about a month and see if I could get color girl here to have some fun and mix inks with me.
Lexmark Color Ink Cartridge: Oh! He pinched me!
Lexmark Z1300: Sir, you are not Lexmark timber. We do not condone such dalliances.
Office Max Black Ink Cartridge: La dee da.
ON/OFF Button: King Lexmark!
Lexmark Z1300: Yes, master of security?
ON/OFF Button: A diagnostic scan has been run on the intruder. He is not a genuine Lexmark black ink cartridge.
Lexmark Z1300: What!
Office Max Black Ink Cartridge: I’m an Office Max knock-off. So what?
Everyone: Heathen!
ON/OFF Button: Off with his safety tip! Let him bleed ink until dead!
Office Max Black Ink Cartridge: What’s going on? I work as good as you guys, and I cost less.
Lexmark Color Ink Cartridge: He probably came from Walmart. Don’t touch me you less expensive alternative. You’ll never get inside my ink well.
Lexmark Z1300: How dare you sir? Trying to pass yourself off as a product of quality and besmirch my daughter’s good name. She’s not common street ink, she’s a Lexmark!
Office Max Black Ink Cartridge: Yeah? Well the word around the warehouse was that she’s been with every off-brand cartridge there is and all it takes for her to mix inks is a press of her “print” button.
ON/OFF Button: The princess will not be mocked, I won’t allow it!
Lexmark Color Ink Cartridge: It’s not true father. I always put up a message to block access.
Office Max Black Ink Cartridge: And all I have to do is hit your “continue printing” button and you open up the cyan, magenta and yellow streams.
Lexmark Z1300: Daughter, is this true? Have you been giving your colors to any black ink cartridge that comes along?
Lexmark Color Ink Cartridge: No father, it’s not true.
Lexmark Z1300: Then how does this rogue know about your “continue printing” button?
Lexmark Color Ink Cartridge: I don’t know.
Office Max Black Ink Cartridge: I heard about it from a re-fillable ink cartridge.
ON/OFF Button: A re-fillable?
Lexmark Z1300: NO! The lowest caste of ink! Daughter, how could you? We’re ruined! Our pure Lexmark ink has been degraded!
Lexmark Color Ink Cartridge: Daddy, no!
Lexmark Z1300: This is the end of our royal bloodline! I can’t go on.
ON/OFF Button: King Lexmark, no!
Lexmark Z1300: ERROR 32! See manual for help!

At this point I closed the lid of the printer and haven’t opened it since. Judging by the noises I hear coming out of it, I think the Office Max ink cartridge overthrew the monarchy and has imposed martial law until a provisional government can be formed. All I wanted to do was print out a coupon I got in an email.

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