Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Christine O'Donnell's Excellent Adventure

Christine O’Donnell, failed senate challenger from the mighty state of Delaware, hater of masturbation and former witch, woke up one morning recently and scanned the republican/tea party horizon. She saw ships passing each other in the morning fog: the U.S.S. Palin, the Malkin dinghy, the pirate ship Angle and the Bachmann sloop. Christine thought to herself, “I’m crazier than all those bitches put together. I need to draw more attention to myself to further alter the reputation of the United States as a country that will cast votes for the most narrow-minded ignoramuses as long as we mindlessly repeat ‘constitution’ and ‘fiscal responsibility’ like drunken parrots.”

“Now,” Christine thought. “How to best unleash my own brand of lunacy?” Then she had an idea. A wonderful, awful, grinchy idea.

In a letter to her “supporters” (read: tea party racists and mindless sloths too busy to think for themselves because they’re watching Maury Povitch’s latest installment of “I slept with 12 guys in two days so one of them must be the father of my 6th illegitimate baby and I figured what better way to discover which one is my new gravy train than by exposing my lifestyle on television with an ex-journalist who still thinks he’s in some way relevant to the world”), Christine has announced the formation of a political action committee: ChristinePAC.

“Political action committee” is code for “I don’t want to work a real job so I’ll solicit donations from like-minded nitwits and they’ll pay for me to pretend like I’m doing something with my life.” I also love the narcissism involved with the name. Here are some alternatives she could have tried:

The O’Donnell O’Bullshit Career Move
Christine’s Crapfest
The Christine O’Donnell Foundation for the Clinically Overestimating Their Worth to Society

In her letter, Christine also said her “losing campaign sent ‘shockwaves’ throughout the nation”. I’ll admit your defeat of the republican incumbent in the primary was pretty shocking for a country still reeling from the knowledge that Sarah Palin won’t go away. However, once we saw you attempt to debate your democratic opponent and look as lost as John Travolta trying to find his wife’s vagina, we were no longer surprised. And I believe you went on to be crushed in the election, so that shockwave had dissipated to the power of an onion fart.

Christine also said in her letter that she had been the Obama administration’s #1 opponent. Yeah, the president is trying to run the country, manage two wars, fight republitards on healthcare, figure out how to stimulate the economy and create jobs, but his #1 opponent is an asexual elf running for office in the second smallest state in the union whose representation in the federal government is three people. Again, gotta love the narcissism.

So remember folks, be on the lookout for the good work being done by ChristinePAC. At least until the federal indictment comes down for her misuse of campaign funds and then she’ll start a new venture, ChristineCON.

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