People Who Need to Shut Up

Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey tweeted on twitter the other day that Elin Woods was a ‘willing participant’ in Tiger’s cheating. Considering that Tiger was running 18 women its possible Elin had to have known something and stuck around for the children and the lifestyle. However, this scandal has been going on for 5 months and you’ve been silent Jim. But now that everyone is trying to move on you decide to open your Canadian bacon yap. And who do you attack? Not the offender, but the walking wounded. Somehow the tiny mind that gave the world a man pretending to talk through his ass, has decided his one comment on the subject will be to lay blame on the wife. What’s the matter Jimbo, thought it was too early to blame the kids? Jim, the clouds are clearing away from the reasons why you can’t sustain a relationship.

Sigourney Weaver

Sigourney Weaver says the only reason James Cameron didn’t win the best director Oscar is because he doesn’t have breasts. This is so true. Every year the academy gives the Oscar to a woman. It’s so sexist and . . . wait a minute. 2010 is the first year the Oscar ever went to a woman, or in Sigourney’s lexicon, a pair or breasts. “And the Oscar goes to . . . a perky set of C cups”. I can see the future credits for her next film: Aliens 6 starring Tits Weaver or Avatar 2 starring Sigourney Weaver and the Girls.

Look, I don’t have a horse in this race; I didn’t see any of the nominated movies. I generally like James Cameron films but honestly, Avatar looks like 3 hours of special effects so how much “directing” did he really do? “Go stand in front of the green screen and deliver your lines to this gaffer while pretending he’s 9 feet tall and blue”. Brilliant. I’ve got goose bumps.

Jay Leno

Jay Leno says that both he and Conan O’Brien were screwed by NBC. Let’s examine the evidence.

Conan was handed his dream job, host of The Tonight Show, as per an agreement that you both signed. He was then given only 5 months to settle in and achieve significant ratings. Along the way he was hampered by you, Jay, and the abysmal ratings of your God-awful 10 o’clock abomination, unlike you, who had Law and Order and ER as lead-ins when you had the Tonight Show. Conan then had the show taken from him and was publicly castigated by NBC executives.

You, Jay Leno, on the other hand, gave up your show as per the aforementioned agreement. But far from being unemployed, NBC paid you for another show. When it tanked they gave you the Tonight Show back. So you never missed a paycheck and now are once again the host of The Tonight Show which is what you wanted all along.

Seems to me you got whatever you wanted while Conan got bent over like a French prostitute in the back of a Citroen parked in a dark alley that smelled like urine and clove cigarettes.

I would now ask Jim Carrey, Sigourney Weaver and Jay Leno to do me the honor of shutting their pie holes.