Healthcare! the Musical

President Barack Obama walks out to center stage, enters a single spotlight and sings

(sung to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)

I am President O-ba-ma
I want health care for everyone
we have a bill that is 2000 pages long
it’s not perfect but it’s very strong
I am President O-ba-ma
I want healthcare for everyone

the spotlight moves stage right to a group of Republican leaders

(sung to the tune of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas)

We’ll never
allow this to happen
we’ll lie and cheat and stall
we’ll make up stories about death panels
we’ll get Glen, Rush and Sean on the call
we’ll win
and let the democrats take the fall

the spotlight moves down to the floor to a group of uninsured Americans

(sung to the tune of Over the Rainbow)

Somewhere out in the world
people have health care
it’s not me or anyone I know
this old world just isn’t fair

the spotlight moves stage left to a group of democratic leaders

(sung to the tune of Another One Bites the Dust)

We wrote a bad bill, we know it
but we’re gonna to push it through
we’re doing it fast, not getting it right
gonna blow a lot of dough
are you ready, are you ready to pay
can you tell we don’t have a clue?
we’re the United States congress
we’re all smarter than you

we are filibuster proof
we have 60 votes
and another repub gone, and another repub gone
we have the votes we need
hey, we’re gonna jam it through
this bill’s all we’ve got

a harp trills in the background as the spotlight follows a newsie holding up a newspaper

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! House and Senate pass health care reform bill! President Obama vows to sign the hell out of it!

the spotlight moves stage right back to the republicans

(sung to the tune of Swing Low, Sweet Chariot)

It’s over
we lost the battle
but we won’t give up on the war
it’s over
the vote is there’s
we just have to lie and cheat some more

the spotlight goes back to shine on President Obama

(sung to the tune of the chorus of We Are the Champions)

I am the champion . . . my friends
and I got what I wanted in the end
I am the champion
I am the champion
no time for detractors
cause I am the champion . . . of health care reform!

the stage lights come up

Glenn Beck: The Blankety Blank of the Year

Glenn Beck has been named the Media Matters’ 2009 Misinformer of the Year. Here are a few more awards I think Glenn should win:

1. Assclown of the Year
2. Conspiracy Theorist of the Year
3. Cry Baby of the Year
4. Misspeller of the year
5. Sweaty, Bloated, Stage-Prowling Manatee of the Year
6. Finder of Communist Imagery in Background Art at 30 Rockefeller Center that No one Ever Looks at of the Year
7. Crap Flinger of the Year
8. Unfunny Pretend Comedian of the Year
9. Misunderstander of Socialism and Fascism of the Year
10. Blog Fodder of the Year

The 22 Million email March

The news was broken a few days ago that technicians have been able to recover 22 million White House emails that were lost during the Bush administration. Now I’ve lost things before, but 22 MILLION emails? What could they have said that no one tried to save them or retrieve them when they realized they were lost? Luckily Cosmic Overdrive has gotten its hands on some of the messages and they shed some light on what the day to day workings of the Bush White House were like:

From: George Bush
To: Donald Rumsfeld
Subject: cool video

Hey Rummy, have you seen that video on the You Tubes of that kitty playing the piano? Can we get that kitty for the next Kennedy Center thing? Get on it.

From: Dick Cheney
To: Dana Perrino
Subject: Fear

I saw the press briefing today. There was no mention of how afraid the American people should be. From now on I want at least 3 mentions of fear to the press every day.

From: George Bush
To: Dick Cheney
Subject: Hey!

Hey grandpa! You awake? Ha ha ha

From: George Bush
To: John Ashcroft
Subject: Nickname

Hey Ashcroft I have a new nickname for you: Asscrap! Ashcroft—Asscrap, you get it? Gotta go, some general is talking to me

From: Donald Rumsfeld
To: All
Subject: Computer Usage

Whoever used my computer last Tuesday while I was at lunch, I’m not paying for all this Indonesian porn you ordered

From: George Bush
To: All
Subject: Fwd: Get to Know Your Friends

I better get this back!
Fill in your answers and forward to all your email buddies
Name: George Bush
Occupation: The Decider
What are you wearing right now: GI Joe pjs
Favorite TV show: Gilligan’s Island
Cocaine or beer: BOTH!
Last book you read: Don’t remember, but the last movie I saw was Rambo III, get ‘em Rocky!
Person most likely to respond: mom
Person least likely to respond: Cheney (come one old man, prove me wrong!)
Woman you’d most like to see naked: Condi (don’t tell her)

From: Dick Cheney
To: George Bush
Subject: RE: Get to Know Your Friends

How many times have I told you to stop sending me this crap? I have a country to run!

The One Not So Wise Man

Last week the mayor of Arlington Tennessee (a suburb of Memphis) with the ironic name of Russell WISEMAN, was upset that President Obama pre-empted the annual showing of A Charlie Brown Christmas with his speech about the war in Afghanistan. Mr. WISEMAN posted his displeasure on his Facebook page:

“Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load . . . try to convince me that wasn’t done on purpose”

Cosmic Overdrive did a little digging and found these other entries on Mr. WISEMAN’s Facebook wall:

posted November 7, 2009
“So I take the kids to the movies for a fun Saturday afternoon and decide to buy them some candy, wouldn’t you know they’re out of m & ms, you can’t tell me this wasn’t a liberal Hollywood plot to deprive my kids out of a tasty treat . . . screw you Susan Sarandon, you’re probably a muslim”

posted November 23, 2009
“Tried to have sex with the wife tonight, shot down again, 103 days in a row; I know what’s going on, the muslims don’t want me to have any more kids because one of them could grow up to be president, so they’ve brainwashed my wife into not being sexually attracted to me anymore, well thank you Osama Bin Muhammad . . . “

posted December 5, 2009
“The kids have been playing a lot of video games lately so I decided to take them out for some sun and exercise, we’re not out more than 5 minutes and it starts to rain, tell me this wasn’t done on purpose by the earth’s atmosphere to ruin my kid’s day, damn you ionosphere!”

My Completely Fabricated Interview with Glenn Beck

Cosmic Overdrive presents an entirely made up interview with Fox broadcaster and right wing cry baby Glenn Beck. To get answers to my questions I channeled Mr. Beck, trying to get inside his head and yank the answers out like pulling a string from a dog’s ass. I warn you, don’t try this at home. This should be attempted only by a certified lampooner like me. Without further adieu, the interview:

Cosmic Overdrive: Are you insane?
Glenn Beck: Let’s see I tried being a wacky radio DJ, a stand up comic, and a cocaine addict and except for the coke fiend, I wasn’t good at any of them. Now I pull conspiracies out of thin air, I lie all day every day, I exploit my viewers’ fears and I’m making millions. Does that sound crazy?
Cosmic Overdrive: No, it sounds vile.
Glenn Beck: You didn’t ask if I had morals.
Cosmic Overdrive: Touché. How do you make yourself cry on cue?
Glenn Beck: I pinch my testicles. Works every time. In fact the last time I pinched too hard and thought I may have sterilized myself but I was checked out and the Beckster is still shooting live ammo!
Cosmic Overdrive: More graphic detail than was needed. Do you compete with Rush Limbaugh?
Glenn Beck: Hell no! That guy shovels the food in with a front end loader. I’m a little pudgy but I once saw the Rushman squeeze a Christmas ham right from the can into his mouth.
Cosmic Overdrive: What I meant was do you compete with him for influence over conservatives?
Glenn Beck: No, but I do compete with the voices in my head telling me not to wear pants. I usually win but there are days, like Boxer Tuesdays, where it’s just me and my briefs.
Cosmic Overdrive: This interview’s not going the way I had planned.
Glenn Beck: I think you have a deep-seated hatred of conservative TV hosts.
Cosmic Overdrive: Hatred is a strong word.
Glenn Beck: Well, you don’t hate us.
Cosmic Overdrive: Wait. I’ve heard this exchange before.
Glenn Beck: Let me tell you about grab-my-butt Thursdays . . .
Cosmic Overdrive: Interview over. Thank you for your time.