Cast of Characters:
Joe Miller: 44, used to have a programming job for a mid-sized software company. His job went to China, now he works at Starbucks
Scene: Joe’s kitchen. He enters and turns on a small TV to listen to the news while eating breakfast
CNN Headline News: A bill has been introduced in the House as a way to say thank you to the American people for their support during these trying times. The bill calls for the government to bake a cake for every citizen. It’s called Have Your Cake and Eat it Too, bill HR 50766, written and sponsored by several democrats. The bill is 15,612 pages long of which 15,611 pages have nothing to do with cakes, no one has read them and they are meaningless. If you want to read the entire bill you can find it at www.thegovernmentwastingyourtime.gov
The response from the Republicans has been swift.
Rush Limbaugh: This is a blatant attempt to sabotage the health of the American people. I myself have recently lost over 1000 pounds and I don’t want anything to do with this liberal confection.
Mitch McConnell: Why a cake? What if you like pie? I’d prefer to have a nice elderberry pie. The democrats say they want to say ‘thank you’ yet they’re limiting our choices to cake. What if someone wants a cruller or a torte or pudding or Jello? This is just another example of the Democrats limited thinking.
John Boehner: There is a provision in this bill that if you don’t have the paper work filled out by December 31 someone in the government will choose what kind of cake you get. What if they choose a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing and you have a peanut allergy? This amounts to nothing more than a death panel where someone in the government could make a choice for you that could be deadly.
CNN Headline News: We asked the white house for a response.
Whitehouse Spokesman Robert Gibbs: This is just another republican lie, a continuous stream of invective to cause fear. There is no provision for a deadline and no one in the government is going to pick your cake for you. In fact you don’t have to participate in the program. If you don’t want a cake, don’t fill out the paperwork.
CNN Headline News: There was a Tea Party protest today in Blacksburg West Virginia. We asked one gentleman what he thought of the bill.
Tea bagger: This bill says that I have to have a government made cake! I don’t want a government cake! If I want a cake I want one made by my grandmamma! What’s happened to our freedoms?
CNN Headline News: Whitehouse spokesman Robert Gibbs had this to say when seeing that footage: “Again, for the 105th time, there is no provision in the bill that forces anyone to take one of the cakes.” Also today, the president addressed the press.
President Obama: We would like to have bi-partisan support for this bill. To that end, we are willing to compromise and possibly add an option for a fruit cup or a side salad.
CNN Headline news: We talked to the head of the ACLU this morning and got this message.
ACLU spokesman: If there’s not going to be a cake then there is no point in the bill. The whole point was to say thank you to the American people. You don’t say thank you with a fruit cup or a salad. You say it with a big chunk of moist cake and sugary icing.
CNN Headline News: Of course the late night comedians had their say last night.
David Letterman: In response to this democratic bill, David Vitters from Louisiana has introduced his own competing bill that calls for hookers and Chevrolets for everyone.
CNN Headline News: Before we take a break, here is a roundup of other comments and reactions.
Nancy Pelosi: Since my leadership is so polarizing and ineffectual, I have no comment.
Michele Bachmann: I’m insane!
Michael Steele: I have to find out from Rush how I feel about this bill. I’ll get back to you.
Harry Reid: My opinion is, hey, where are you going? I have something to say.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, am I in this administration?
Glenn Beck: One word: Conspiracy
Bill Clinton: Would I like a piece of cake? Absolutely. Served on the ass of a 19-year-old co-ed preferably. This is off the record right?
Joe turns off the TV.
Joe Miller: Same shit, different day.