I’m so bored with the election bullshit I decided to cast the candidates as members of a band. Just go with me on this one. The alternative is thinking about Trump as president.
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Lolla-presidential candidate-palooza. We have 6 great bands performing for you tonight. Let’s meet them before we start the festivities:
It’s Marco Rubio, new lead singer for En Fuego, a Latino boy band that sings about love, girls and defunding Planned Parenthood.
Please welcome Donald Trump, lead vocals for Build the Wall, a neo-Nazi grindcore band with lyrics like “We’re great! We’re great! Build the Wall! Exterminate!”
And now it’s Ted Cruz playing tambourine and singing back-up for Christian soft-rock combo Aaron, Joseph, Noah and Isaac. They play mainly VFW halls and birthday parties for conservative fringe groups run by millionaire donors.
John Kasich is next playing stand-up bass in a fifties revival group called Johnny Bland and the Forgettables. Their big hit is “I Can’t Quit the Primary”.
Let’s welcome Bernie Sanders to the stage harmonizing hits from the 40s with his cousins Ernie and Fernie. They perform as Mazel Tov!, mostly in kosher delis and at the occasional bris.
Our last performer is Hillary Clinton singing the hits of Nancy Sinatra from her
show with her
back-up band the Benghazi Four
(formerly known as the Whitewater Trio). Las Vegas
Now to open the show please welcome Martin O’Malley, Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Lincoln Chaffee, Lindsey Graham, Carly Fiorina and Jim Webb as the Loserville Chorus performing their number 1 hit, “What Were We Thinking?”