I’ve been
eating healthier the past few months, a lot more fruit and vegetables. My body
has noticed and is none too happy. When I woke up a few days ago I found this
note duct taped to my forehead:
Dear
Traitor,
What the
hell? We, your body parts, have noticed some changes recently that we were not
consulted on. The pancreas has outlined our complaints which we will discuss
one at a time.
What
happened to the pizza? Pizza, of all flavors
and varieties from Roma’s Pizzeria to generic store $.99 cardboard-and-ketchup,
has been a staple of our diet for decades. Now it can go 7 or even up to 10
days without a single slice. This is unacceptable. We demand that pizza be
brought back as a 3-time-a-week food pyramid building block of our diet. The
cheese alone was holding the body together like a sturdy mortar. Now there’s
too much room in the veins. The blood is sloshing all over the place. It’s a
complete mess.
Where are
the chocolate chip cookies? Oh sure, sometimes on
the weekend when you reward yourself we get to delight in the sugary goodness
of the most amazing food ever invented. But what about the rest of the week? We
used to feel the jittery high of cookies several times a week. Sometimes every
day! We need that feeling back man! The heart is constantly sending search
parties out for any milligram of sugar. When he doesn’t get it, he gets angry
and abusive to the other organs. How many times do the lungs have to be
slapped? How often does the liver have to be told it’s worthless and should
just pack a bag to move to Montana
Two words:
Coke and Pepsi Look, we understand
that drinking Coke and Pepsi is the equivalent of slurping battery acid through
a crazy straw but you made that choice for years. Day after day we absorbed the
chemical cocktail known as cola and did we complain? Ok, the kidneys sent a
stone through every few years for a while which could be viewed as a complaint.
Sure, the heart sometimes thought it was the drummer of a thrash metal band.
But for the most part we went along. Now you cut down your consumption to just
a day on the weekend? What are we supposed to do? We need the stuff man!
Where’s out shit, our stash, fix, medicine, juice, liquid happiness, black
gold, Atlanta buzz water, Grandpappy’s magic elixir, that which is not for
mortal man, heaven in a plastic bottle, the red can of freedom, the river that
makes you shiver, high fructose nirvana!
These are
our top 3 concerns, but there are others. Green beans? Green beans? That’s what
we’re eating for lunch now? And celery? It’s 90% water and has no flavor. Why
bother? Drink a glass of water and eat a cookie. And what is with the walking?
Twice a day; 4, sometimes 5 miles total? You have a perfectly good car you
could drive to any destination. You had better take our complaints seriously or
we’re outta here. We haven’t determined the logistics of leaving yet, but we
will.
Sincerely,
Your Body
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