Getting Mooned

Six years ago the planet Pluto was downgraded from planet status by attention seeking scientists. One of the ridiculous names offered for Pluto now was trans-Neptunian object. Another was the less eloquent “lump of rock in space”. They settled on dwarf planet. Recently they have discovered a fifth moon orbiting Pluto giving the little ex-planet 5 times as many as big bad Earth, who as of this writing, is still considered a planet by a group of men and women who can’t even agree on the definition of “planet”. I decided to ask Pluto his feelings on his many moons and his lesser status, which because of the lengthy delay in communications between Earth and Pluto, he didn’t even know about yet.

CO: So, the International Astronomical Union has downgraded you from planet status . . .

Pluto: What! How? What? When did this happen?

CO: 2006

Pluto: Crap, my email service out here is terrible. Damn you AOL.

CO: Sorry to have to break it to you like this.

Pluto: What did I ever do to the IAU? I bought tickets every year to their Costume Ball and Fish Fry even though I obviously wasn’t going to attend, and this is how they repay me?

CO: Their main reason was your small stature.

Pluto: Typical. The little guy is always getting picked on. Every time I pass inside Neptune’s orbital path he tries to consume me. Jupiter keeps bragging that he has storms bigger then me. I can’t help my size. I am who I am.

CO: They have recently discovered your 5th moon.

Pluto: Goody for them, I already knew it was there. He sings Bread songs all day long. How many times do I have to hear “Baby I’m a Want You”?

CO: How do feel about having 5 moons to the Earth’s one, but being designated a dwarf planet?

Pluto: I’m simply more “attractive”. Get it? Ba dum bum. I’ll be here all week. No, seriously, I have nothing against Earth as a planet, it’s the scientists. They’ve been slagging on me ever since Clyde Tombaugh discovered me. Clyde was my only real friend on Earth. We used to commiserate over personal problems; his was family stuff mine was the painful itch of asteroids. HA! I’m killing me.

CO: I didn’t know you had such a . . . good . . . sense of humor.

Pluto: Oh yeah, I’ve been working the clubs in the Kuiper Belt for years under my stage name: Shecky Neptune. I’ll do anything to piss off Neptune, he’s a jerk. The IAU should reclassify him as a jerk planet. Hey I have to add that to my act!

CO: Ok, well I have to go.

Pluto: See you around the Oort Cloud.