Friday, March 25, 2011

The Rest of the Story

I was watching an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 the other day. It was an old Hercules movie and at the end robot Tom Servo was free styling a “what ever happened to Hercules” bit. Tom’s version had old Herc being out of the demi-God business and spending his time on the couch drinking beer and watching game shows while his wife Iole worked data entry at Finger Hut. It’s a very funny skit and it occurred to me it could be a good writing exercise for myself, so what follows is my “what ever happened to the Terminator”. I’m ignoring the 3rd and 4th movies and starting from the end of the 2nd film.

After helping to save the world the Terminator had been restored to about 80% of his original state and for a while he slept on the floor at Sarah and John Connor’s place, but they moved around too much. He got tired of the string of cheap motel rooms and $1 tacos from a local bar so he set out on his own, leaving in the middle of the night to hitch a ride with Smelly Joe, a long-haul trucker out of Dubuque whose body odor was a mixture of spring onions and an infected sore. The Terminator road with Joe as far as Philadelphia, thanking the friendly truck driver by accidentally crushing his hand while shaking it goodbye which got him arrested.

While in the holding cell the Terminator met Dennis LaFontaine, a lawyer from Upper Darby who had been arrested for kidnapping his ex-wife’s cat Sprinkles and entering her in a feline beauty contest where she took 4th place and was awarded Miss Kitty Congeniality. Dennis offered to defend the Terminator for free if he would help him move a refrigerator from an abandoned building he owned.

Once at the building, the Terminator found out it was actually 6 refrigerators. They were all filled with counterfeit Sony portable DVD players that were built in the Philippines, and set to only play Jean Claude Van Damme movies. He loaded them onto an “El Jeffe Fried Ice Cream” truck Dennis had bought for a pack of Pall Malls in the jail the evening before. Dennis and the Terminator then started driving the truck cross-country, heading for Montana to sell the players at the Butte Butterbean and Biscuits Festival.

Unfortunately they got lost in Illinois and on a dirt road outside of Decatur the truck was pulled over by career highway patrolman and stickler for all things regulatory, Sergeant Barry Uppersweat. A search of the vehicle revealed the illegal DVD players and Dennis and the Terminator were immediately arrested and sent to federal lock-up.

In a swift trial, the Terminator was convicted of transporting illegal material across state lines and larceny while Dennis testified against him, telling authorities the Terminator was the titular head of an electronics counterfeiting ring that spread from Hong Kong to Pittsburg. The Terminator didn’t help himself at trial by simply repeating, “I’m looking for Sarah Connor”, “I’ll be back” and “Hasta la vista baby” over and over.

The Terminator was sent to the Forrest City Federal Correctional Complex in Arkansas to serve out his sentence and that’s where he remains today. He has become a mentor to many of the younger prisoners and was allowed to create a business selling earthworms for jellybeans and Pez to the local fishing club, “Goober Finch’s Caterwaulin’ Catfishers”. He is set for release in 2016 and is already planning a world-wide book tour for his memoir: “Trapped in Time and Arkansas”.

Now that story would make a really bad movie. Starring Jean Claude Van Damme.

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