I hear Fox News may not renew Glenn Beck’s contract when it’s up at the end of the year. This will leave them sans a conspiracy-theorizing zeppelin-sized gas bag and I thought I would try out for the job. Here is my audition piece:
The unrest in
The voices come to me while I’m in my Chamber of Secrets, a sensory deprivation tank constructed of aged oak cut from a tree that grew out of the grave of Edgar Cayce and filled with water blessed by a Zoroastrian priest named Bernie Schwartz whose been reincarnated as the owner of my favorite deli. As I floated placidly, the words bubbled to the surface: The day will pass when in the land of cheese a walking man cuts thousands until they bleed and the demigods flee in terror.
The last part of the name: SIN. It’s a heavy word my friends, but that’s what the people of
(sobbing) I’m sorry for crying. I just love this country so much and I try to educate my viewers and . . . I’m sorry, I’m ok, let’s continue.
The first part of the name
People, all I’m asking is that you listen to me and believe every word I’m saying, that’s all. Trust that my psychosis is good for the country. Be afraid. Of everything.
I’m sending this to Fox this weekend. Shoot, I forgot to mention Nazis. I’ll have to go back and add that before I email it. I hope they let me keep Glenn’s blackboard.