Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Replacing Glenn Beck

I hear Fox News may not renew Glenn Beck’s contract when it’s up at the end of the year. This will leave them sans a conspiracy-theorizing zeppelin-sized gas bag and I thought I would try out for the job. Here is my audition piece:

The unrest in Wisconsin was predicted by me over a year ago because I am privy to information others are not. There are prophecies, arcane messages, whose meanings are given to only a chosen few. I didn’t ask to be one of the vessels through which this information was funneled. Ok, I did ask for it. It’s a burden I sought out and I bear it for you my fellow Americans.

The voices come to me while I’m in my Chamber of Secrets, a sensory deprivation tank constructed of aged oak cut from a tree that grew out of the grave of Edgar Cayce and filled with water blessed by a Zoroastrian priest named Bernie Schwartz whose been reincarnated as the owner of my favorite deli. As I floated placidly, the words bubbled to the surface: The day will pass when in the land of cheese a walking man cuts thousands until they bleed and the demigods flee in terror.

Wisconsin. Let’s look at that name in more detail. Wis-con-sin. I’ll concentrate on the middle part first. CON. This is what the unions are pulling on the republican-led elected government. The con of collective bargaining that is bankrupting this country both morally and financially and its leading to the unrest in the Middle East! Libya would not be in the turmoil it is today if the teacher’s unions had not negotiated 10 sick days! It’s all there people. They see our freedom to stay home and still get paid when we have a sinus infection and they want it for themselves! Don’t be blinded by liberals and socialists or podiatrists and chiropodists who say “we deserve these sick days, we deserve fair wages, we deserve health insurance that will actually say yes to needed procedures.” You deserve what the conservatives say you deserve. You are our sheep and we are the shepherds.

The last part of the name: SIN. It’s a heavy word my friends, but that’s what the people of Wisconsin are doing. The Bible says “Judge not lest ye be judged yourself” and they are judging the good and trustworthy fiscal conservative administration for what they are trying to accomplish. The Bible also says “and God created the heaven and the earth”. It doesn’t say “and God created the ACLU and the pipefitters union local #79.” Citizens of Wisconsin you are Sodomites, you are Philistines, you are vipers in the pit of my stomach trying to keep me from telling the truth . . .

(sobbing) I’m sorry for crying. I just love this country so much and I try to educate my viewers and . . . I’m sorry, I’m ok, let’s continue.

The first part of the name Wisconsin: WIS. . . . . . . . . . . Ok, I don’t know what this means and that itself is dangerous. The name Wisconsin has imperiled this country with its trickery, its sinful ways and the deception of what “wis” means. They have put us all at risk with their . . . wissyness.

People, all I’m asking is that you listen to me and believe every word I’m saying, that’s all. Trust that my psychosis is good for the country. Be afraid. Of everything.

I’m sending this to Fox this weekend. Shoot, I forgot to mention Nazis. I’ll have to go back and add that before I email it. I hope they let me keep Glenn’s blackboard.

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