I have a bone to pick with 2011. We’re less than 2 weeks into this splashy new year and already I have an ear infection, had to have a tooth pulled and discovered my car is leaking coolant. What the hell 2011? What could I possibly have done to you in 12 days to treat me this way?
I admit I didn't ring you in with a lot of enthusiasm (falling asleep watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade), but damn it I was tired. And 2010 took one more kick at my backside with my cat dying so I wasn't in a party mood. I can’t believe you’re going to be this vindictive.
I was going to invite you over so we could talk about how things needed to be different than with your predecessor, but now my Spam a la Granny Clampett will be saved for some other shapeless universal entity. That imported Estonian table wine will stay corked as well so put away your glass and drink your own cheap booze.
There were such plans for us, 2011. You were going to get me a permanent job with benefits, one of those cloth bags with the dollar sign on it filled with hundred dollar bills was going to fall from the sky onto my porch like a stork delivering a newborn. Then I would use the money to get out of debt and be able to quit delivering the morning rag in 14 degree weather and snow covered roads. It was going to be me and you buddy, just like a Hope/Crosby road movie; having adventures, cracking wise and meeting beautiful women.
Now it has come to this. In only a few days you've proven untrustworthy and a little mean. The good news for me is I’m almost over my ear ache, my tooth crater is healing nicely and by the end of the week my car will be repaired.
And then I will fuck you up.
I’m coming for you, 2011. For the next 11 and a half months I will be chewing gum and kicking ass and I’m all out of Juicy Fruit.