Really Getting to Know Your Friends

By now we’ve all received an email at least once titled something like “Get to Know Your Friends”. You’re given a list of 10-30 questions asking you things like ‘what are you wearing right now’, ‘what are you listening to right now’ ‘what is your favorite day of the week’ and ‘where were you born’. These questions are fine, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with them, but they lack the things I want to know about my friends. I’ve written my own list of ‘Get to Know Your Friends’ questions:

1. If you started a rock band, what would its name be?
2. Let’s talk pickles: sliced, spears or whole?
3. What’s the best book you’ve ever read?
4. You’ve been on death row for 13 years. Finally the fateful day has arrived: your execution. What will you order for your last meal?
5. If you were in a sitcom would you be:
a. the plucky single parent
b. the wacky next door neighbor
c. the douchebag ex
d. the annoyingly cute young child
e. the unbelievably stupid best friend
f. other—give a description
6. What song would you like to hear on the radio that you never hear anymore?
7. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
8. When you’re at work, how much time do you waste each day just staring into space wondering what your life would be like if you won the lottery?
9. It’s 3 a.m. on a Tuesday and an alien invasion begins. The first thing you do is:
a. scream
b. call the police
c. piss your pants
d. shit your pants
e. piss and shit your pants
f. look to the sky and beg the aliens to take you with them
g. lock the door, make something to eat and watch another re-run of Law and Order
10. Close your left eye, put 2 fingers from your right hand on your nose, wave with your left hand and stomp the floor with your right foot. How stupid do you think you look right now?
11. If you founded a country, what would your flag look like?
12. The dead have risen from their graves and are feeding on your neighbors. Do you:
a. scream
b. call the police
c. piss your pants
d. shit your pants
e. piss and shit your pants
f. join in because you enjoy a good nosh
g. start killing zombies like you’re in a video game all the while proclaiming yourself “King Zombie Slayer”
h. start cooking yourself in a garlic sauce to prepare for when they get to your house.
13. What song, book or movie do you love but everyone else seems to hate?
14. Go to the first closed door in your home, open it and describe what you see.
15. If you were a circus freak, what would your abnormality be?

Send this out to exactly 130 of your closest friends. If you only send it to 129, a virus will be released that converts all your documents to Mandarin Chinese characters. If you send it to 131, then may God have mercy on your soul.