I’m not on Twitter. I do not tweet. No offense to those that do, it just seems like another way for celebrities and faux-celebrities to spew their diarrhetic thoughts out into the ether and foul up the atmosphere. While trapped inside my home during the second 2 foot plus snow storm in 4 days I did wonder what I would tweet were I to use Twitter. So I imagined myself with an account and what follows are a sampling of what the world is missing with me not being a tweeter or a twit or a twither or whatever:
just got up—life pretty much the same as yesterday
I’m scratching parts of my body I didn’t know could itch
took my morning dump—WTH did I eat last night? can’t breathe—losing consciousness
made it to the shower—water woke me up—feeling much better
tweeting from the shower—soap eye—ct c xbds cfrub
out of shower—eye very red and swollen but ok
just read Ashton Kutcher’s latest tweet—didn’t anyone tell him 70s show cancelled—can stop being moron
where is my cheese log?
Why are congressman and senators tweeting? Shouldn’t they be, oh I don’t know, creating jobs, fixing healthcare, ending the recession, ending the war, banging their pages, taking kickbacks, etc.
Apparently Glenn Beck tweets. As bloated and pasty as he looks on TV I’ll bet he tweets a lot. Tweets, toots, farts, sharts, shits, shoots, lets
There’s just not enough time in the day to count all my paper clips
Is it unhealthy to think about Kate Beckinsale for more than 2 hours a day?
As you can see the world is better off without me being on twitter. I’ll just keep writing this ridiculous blog doing my part to clog the internet with crap.